Old-Fashionably Date

Dating can be a challenge, no matter what the age. Today, things are so complicated, whether you're dating, in a relationship, or the ever so popular, "talking".
What does that even mean? You're "talking"? So, essentially you're speaking to get to know one another.....so you're friends? Do you hangout? There are so many weird things now that complicate the already complicated notion of getting to know the opposite sex to form some sort of bond and partnership.

I've always kind of hated dating for dozens of reasons, mostly because people's intentions are often unclear and situations become so hard to read. Are we hanging out or is this a date? Do I offer to pay? Is he talking to me because he likes me or are we just friends? I've always had a lot of guy friends and form those bonds fairly easily, so it's hard for me to tell the difference in what type of friendship is developing. If people don't say otherwise, I assume we're friends. This has hurt many friendships, which I'm sure is mostly my fault. However, if we just say what we mean, what we truly mean, wouldn't that just be easier?

What happened to the old ways of dating; courtships and flowers on the first date? When a man asked you out and you knew 100% that it was a date, no question. He shows up at your door with a beautiful gesture like a bouquet of lilies just to show he likes you. He escorts you back to his car where he opens the car door, making sure you’re safely in before he softly closes it behind you. Today, we get a quick text that says "I'm here" and you shoot out to meet them. We even dress more casually, never paying much attention, because we’re “hanging out” right?

There was a time when a man could not even consider dating a girl until he asked for her father's permission first. How beautiful is that notion? I'm not saying a guy needs to ask my dad to take me out. I'm an adult, so that idea is kind of lost, but I certainly think he should ask before he proposes. When a man steps up and does this, he recognizes that he wants to spend time with someone who is so very precious and cherished to another man and in that, he is asking for permission to safe guard her, much as her father would. He is asking for permission to take over and be worthy of protecting her. This doesn’t mean a girl is helpless or that she always needs a man to take care of her, but just that he will safeguard her heart and not break it. That’s what a father does, he safeguards his child’s heart and entrusts others not to break it.

I'm old fashioned, probably too much at times. There is just something so beautiful and powerful about the old ways of dating. Before the media and society and sex, there were gentlemen callers and flowers. Men would ask permission to be able to stop by your house and sit with you in your living room with your family just to be with you. He'd sit there and endure your interrogating father, your crazy mother, and your annoying siblings, just to get to know you. There was no promise of a hug, a kiss, or sex. There were no promises at all.  He was there with exactly one intent, to see you.

Sometimes when I go on dates, I wonder why I’m really there. Is this really a date? Does he like me or merely the idea of me? Is he looking for someone to marry or someone to date for a while before he finds the one he wants to marry? Today’s society has literally just expanded these kinds of questions over and OVER again. To the point where it is literally impossible to tell what is happening in your impending/almost/probably/maybe not relationship. What are we DOING?

I feel like for once we just need to bring back old traditions. Ask someone out. Truly ask them out. Say it’s a date! Men: be a gentleman, pick her up, bring her some small symbol or gesture of your likeness for her, do not expect physical boundaries to just be crossed. Do not take a kiss, ask for one. Do not expect sex. Wait for it.

Sex should never ever be expected. It is not something that is owed at ANY time. Ever. It doesn’t matter if a guy is a perfect gentleman and he did everything right. It doesn’t matter if he has literally been the most perfect guy on the planet for 3 months straight. You do not date for sex. It should neither be expected or owed. It is not payment for good behavior or a reward at the end of a good night. It is something more intimate, more sacred, it is literally a piece of yourself that you are giving to another person in which you will never get back. It is not offered up like some sacrifice. It should not be taken. It is given only in the most loving, trusted, and intimate situations, where neither party feels pressured.

We need to bring back true conversations. Put your phones away. Don’t even bring it on your date. Silence it and put it in your purse/pocket. There is nothing and I mean NOTHING more frustrating than watching a guy check his facebook while sitting next to me. It sends a message that being with me is not important because there are other things going on. Be with the one you’re with. Really and truly.

How amazing would it feel to do things the old fashion way? To know that you’re actually in a relationship with someone because they asked you to “go steady”, rather than to just awkwardly not know? People ask you if you're dating and you're like "well uh..er...we haven't talked about it.."

I often feel like I was born in the wrong era. I wish I could go back and appreciate all of those beautiful concepts which are now lost. Sure, feminism has come a long way and the world was far more sexist back then, but dating was so different. It was just treated differently. It was more delicate, almost harder. You worked so hard to get every single date and had to truly earn it. Marriages lasted longer because you were so careful in who you chose to spend your time with. Your time was precious, as was theirs. You didn’t have phones to call so you’d stop by just to say hello. When was the last time someone came to your house to say hello? Has that ever happened? When did we go from having long phone conversations to texting? We’ve lost touch with the human voice and, in that, we’re losing touch of what matters.

Oh what I would do to live in a British novel where the men spoke so poetically and used nearly 10 words strung together just to tell a woman she looks beautiful. Now we just hear the words “hot, sexy, or gorgeous”, none of which are appealing to me. What does “hot” even mean? How do you define that? Is it dressing provocatively? Is it having a good body? Being tan? Being thin? Being sexually appealing? That’s kind of degrading, isn’t it? This doesn’t just go for men, but for women too. I feel like even the word “handsome” has gone out of style. Guys are held to some pretty heavy standards. Of course it probably sucks to be a guy at times, having so much pressure to set up the perfect date and be a gentleman, but don’t women raise gentlemen? Shouldn’t we? I like to think that my sister and I rounded my brother out quite well. Plus, a girl with a good heart will appreciate all of a man’s gestures in reciprocate in her own way and take care of him as he has taken care of her, lift him as he has done for her, and support him as he has supported her. Equality and partnership are the true beauties of a relationship.

Alas I shall depart, as I know I’ve spoken too much. I just hope that someday, somehow, we can bring back these old dating traditions. So we can say what we mean, be polite, be connected, communicate, not expect sex but to cherish intimacy in all of it’s parts. To say what we mean. Ask people on DATES. Define when you're actually TOGETHER. Forget the agony of not knowing if you're "talking", "dating", or "hanging out". Forget the world where we have to throw quotations around those words because we're too confused to define them. True conversation. True intimacy (not just the physical kind). True companionship.

That is my one true wish for us all.