Feminism, Pessimism, or just another ism

When I think of a happy ending, I think of the usual fairytale ending most girls dream of since they’re little. I dream of having a wonderful husband and family and of course, the beautiful house with the white picket fence. Yes, the good ‘ole American dream. But behind all of those extra people I dream of a life. A life filled with happiness. Happiness that stems from many aspects of life.

I was born into a normal run-of-the-mill family; mom, dad, older sister, younger brother. We moved to a small town when I was still very young and we’ve been here ever since. Growing up in a small town, you develop small town dreams. It’s hard not to get caught up in the craze that surrounds you. You almost lose yourself….or maybe you didn’t know yourself.

You get to college and you start to discover the dreams you’d had for yourself and you start to fight to make them a reality. In high school, I would have NEVER dated. It wasn’t my thing. In my mind, high school was not for relationships. High school was for stupid immaturity, bad sleepovers, and an over abundance of extra-curriculars.

It seems like college brings an over abundance of boys into the picture………or perhaps they were already there I just failed to notice. Suddenly, they’re everywhere! Boys that are nice, boys that are sarcastic, boys that wear boots, boys that wear converse. It really is ridiculous. I always thought that high school wasn’t the time for relationships, but I hadn’t decided if college was or not………..until now.

In Sense and Sensibility Jane Austen says, “The more I know of the world, the more I am convinced that I shall never see a man whom I can really love. I require so much!” It kind of reminds me of those small town dreams and the people I once attended school with. I look at how many stayed and didn’t go off to school and all of those who are married and have children. Is this what we pictured for ourselves? Not that there is anything wrong with living a small town life and starting a family early, my parents were young and here I am. Good can come out of this, but when do we stop dreaming big?

Feminist: someone who believes the radical notion that women are people; an advocate for social, political, and economic rights for women equal to that of men.

All of my friends are convinced I am a feminist or that I am damaged or that I hate men. Well if we’re looking at it as I hate men, they are all very wrong. However, if we’re looking at it as I believe that women are people and deserve equal rights, then yes. You are all 100% correct.

Going back to the dreams I have for myself, I want a life. A life can entail so many things, a family, a career, a home. I want it all. After everything we go through in our lives, don’t we deserve it all? I didn’t fight hard to make honor roll in high school to not go to college. I didn’t work hard to pay for college to stop at a bachelor’s and I’m not in school to get my MRS!

Kids. Kids are my passion. Out of 24 hours in each day I spend at least 15 of those hours thinking about children. My brain is either on CDL, the kids I nanny for, or all the kids I want to get a degree to help. In high school I researched the foster care system and wrote an 8 page paper describing the problems that need corrected. My Junior year I took an internship over the summer studying low-income families in a summer camp for kindergarten kids. Only half of the children were low-income and the others were not. I kept journals on the behavior of these children. What on earth could I do? My job was simply to teach them. That was all. The journal was simply to reflect on observations in a paper for a class. That’s it. I could write a paper.

I took a nanny position this fall caring for a 5 year old girl and a 2 year old boy. Their parents had just gone through a messy divorce and their mother moved to Carbondale to go to SIU. She had just gotten into the PA program and they only accept a handful of applicants out of over 200 that apply. This was a huge opportunity for her. The kids are young and they’ll barely remember that she was gone so much…..but they notice right now. My life is consumed with those kids. I have them every other weekend as well some evenings throughout the week. The weekends that I don’t have them, their dad does. They have little to no time with their mom. I have made it my sole duty to give them the absolute best weekends in Carbondale I can. I love those kids. I am always working with Annika as she fights me on everything. She’s suffering. Isn’t that what my jobs is? Child Psychology? Help the suffering?

My life isn’t just about getting married and raising a family. It’s about helping those I can. It’s about getting through college with a good enough GPA to get into Grad school. A good Grad school. It’s about getting a degree in the one thing that I love. It’s about living my dream in every way that I can.

Okay, so I haven’t been on any dates. Any “actual” dates. But I will someday. I will. I do want that for myself. I just want people to hear me when I say I don’t want to be a housewife. I’m worth more than that. I don’t mind doing laundry and cleaning the house or even cooking supper, but God gave me passion. He gave me a passion for children and that passion is not satisfied by being a stay-at-home mom. Everyone is different.

So call me a career-driven-feminist if you must, but deep down you know I am right. You know that setting goals for yourself is how you give yourself worth. I might be going against the grain in a small town, but I am making my own path. Not to be broken, not to be followed. Just my own path.