Secrets of Horrible Flirting
Some people are really good at flirting.
They know all the ins and outs of the opposite sex, navigating their words like a captain at sea.
They dance over waves to capture their opponents' hearts, and jump for joy in their triumphs.
And then, there is me.
I don't think I was ever particularly good at dating.......or flirting.....or even talking with the opposite sex. It's not exactly my forte.
I've had some good attempts, but generally if a guy is attractive, I choke on my spit trying to formulate a good sentence.
The only time to actually demonstrate what would be consideredgood decent flirting, is when it is done accidentally.
I know, I know. It's hard to believe. So maybe you need some examples.
How about some totally hypothetical scenarios in which I may or may not have been a total idiot.
I can neither confirm nor deny the truth in what you are about to read, as it may be ego shattering.
But rest assured, if you're like me, you're not alone. That in itself should be self-esteem boosting!!
Ahh just another day in court for a social worker, when two gorgeous FBI agents, casually dressed in jeans and an FBI badge, show up at the court house.
Okay Alyssa, breathe.
I tried to breathe. In fact, that was my only focus, breathing! I knew if I tried to speak or wave or do anything remotely conversational towards these young men, it was going to be disastrous.
And then it happened. He sat down beside me......breathe, Alyssa. Breathe.
His cologne was overtaking me along with the baby blue eyes that landed in the seat next to mine........and then, he winked.
That's all it took. The closing of one eyelid and I was ruined.
I tried to laugh, but somehow my nervousness and laughter had me choked and I ended up baaing like a goat. That's all that came out. Goat.
Forever alone.
Okay, so that's not that bad, we've all had that right? A slip up? A nervous moment in the presence of someone attractive?
I can't be the only one this has happened to.
At work riding in the elevator for the billionth time when on steps the cute delivery guy from UPS that comes by every week. He's charming and smiley, very friendly asking about my day as the elevator randomly stops on a floor with no people.....odd. We both laugh and I try to further the hilariousness by repeatedly adding comments to make it funnier......I really have no filter with overkill. I keep muttering phrases like "Well just popping in, glad to see everything is okay on this floor. Take care now. We'll be on our way. Catch you next time."
I keep talking like the idiot that I am, almost like I'm afraid of silence.
Thankfully he finds it amusing as he keeps laughing. When we make it to the bottom he finally says, "I love your sense of humor."
Oh THANK GOD!
"So are you off to lunch?"
And that's where I killed it.
Sometimes I have this way of saying things without clarifying, and I don't realize how bad they sound until it's too late, and I seem to forget that since our office is located inside the Clear Wave Communications building, people don't realize I work for a social services agency and not the actual Clear Wave Company."No, I'm off to court."
Boom. There it is. The one phrase that could instantly ruin my reputation.
The look on his face did not register in my brain until he was already gone......I'm pretty sure he even muttered the phrase "Ohh.." before I walked out.Stupid.
From what I've read in various dating how-to books and articles, is that when looking for a partner, you're ultimately searching for common ground. Things that you both like or are into. Maybe hobbies or music. Things you can talk about.
You know, in my head this is a really good thing.
But somehow when I actually try and implement it, it comes out a little like this:
Ohmygod!! You breathe? I do that too! That is totally my thing....like I do it ALL THE TIME. It's literally how I live. I can't believe you do it too. That is sooooo amazing. We have so much in common.
We should like go out sometime. I'll bet we have more in common.
Have you ever driven a car?In my head, it was cute........but somehow I sound like a psychopath with no friends.
Totally untrue. I'm a psychopath and I have at least 4 friends. Since last Tuesday. The guy at subway, totally my best friend now. He handed me a napkin. Now we're pals for life.
I know what you guys are thinking. WHAT A WEIRDO. SHE WILL NEVER HAVE A DATE.
But what I find the most amusing about this situation is that in the moments where I think I'm not flirting at all and I'm just being "friends" with someone, well those are the moments where I'm perfect at it.
When everything just clicks and the nervousness withers away and he laughs at my jokes because he genuinely thinks I'm funny. In the moments when I'm not laughing like a goat or nervously talking nonstop, there's the guy that sticks around and makes ME laugh.
That's the winner.
So it's okay to choke on your spit or trip over your shadow.
It's okay to talk really fast or almost shut your date's hand in the car door out of nervousness.
It's okay to suck at being "cool" and to be the dork in aluminum foil when you're trying to be the knight in shining armor.
Because maybe we all need a little bit more of the awkward, nerdy types, to overthrow the cool, collected types that fit in perfectly to a romantic comedy.
I know I certainly do.
They know all the ins and outs of the opposite sex, navigating their words like a captain at sea.
They dance over waves to capture their opponents' hearts, and jump for joy in their triumphs.
And then, there is me.
I don't think I was ever particularly good at dating.......or flirting.....or even talking with the opposite sex. It's not exactly my forte.
I've had some good attempts, but generally if a guy is attractive, I choke on my spit trying to formulate a good sentence.
The only time to actually demonstrate what would be considered
I know, I know. It's hard to believe. So maybe you need some examples.
How about some totally hypothetical scenarios in which I may or may not have been a total idiot.
I can neither confirm nor deny the truth in what you are about to read, as it may be ego shattering.
But rest assured, if you're like me, you're not alone. That in itself should be self-esteem boosting!!
Ahh just another day in court for a social worker, when two gorgeous FBI agents, casually dressed in jeans and an FBI badge, show up at the court house.
Okay Alyssa, breathe.
I tried to breathe. In fact, that was my only focus, breathing! I knew if I tried to speak or wave or do anything remotely conversational towards these young men, it was going to be disastrous.
And then it happened. He sat down beside me......breathe, Alyssa. Breathe.
His cologne was overtaking me along with the baby blue eyes that landed in the seat next to mine........and then, he winked.
That's all it took. The closing of one eyelid and I was ruined.
I tried to laugh, but somehow my nervousness and laughter had me choked and I ended up baaing like a goat. That's all that came out. Goat.
Forever alone.
Okay, so that's not that bad, we've all had that right? A slip up? A nervous moment in the presence of someone attractive?
I can't be the only one this has happened to.
At work riding in the elevator for the billionth time when on steps the cute delivery guy from UPS that comes by every week. He's charming and smiley, very friendly asking about my day as the elevator randomly stops on a floor with no people.....odd. We both laugh and I try to further the hilariousness by repeatedly adding comments to make it funnier......I really have no filter with overkill. I keep muttering phrases like "Well just popping in, glad to see everything is okay on this floor. Take care now. We'll be on our way. Catch you next time."
I keep talking like the idiot that I am, almost like I'm afraid of silence.
Thankfully he finds it amusing as he keeps laughing. When we make it to the bottom he finally says, "I love your sense of humor."
Oh THANK GOD!
"So are you off to lunch?"
And that's where I killed it.
Sometimes I have this way of saying things without clarifying, and I don't realize how bad they sound until it's too late, and I seem to forget that since our office is located inside the Clear Wave Communications building, people don't realize I work for a social services agency and not the actual Clear Wave Company."No, I'm off to court."
Boom. There it is. The one phrase that could instantly ruin my reputation.
The look on his face did not register in my brain until he was already gone......I'm pretty sure he even muttered the phrase "Ohh.." before I walked out.Stupid.
From what I've read in various dating how-to books and articles, is that when looking for a partner, you're ultimately searching for common ground. Things that you both like or are into. Maybe hobbies or music. Things you can talk about.
You know, in my head this is a really good thing.
But somehow when I actually try and implement it, it comes out a little like this:
Ohmygod!! You breathe? I do that too! That is totally my thing....like I do it ALL THE TIME. It's literally how I live. I can't believe you do it too. That is sooooo amazing. We have so much in common.
We should like go out sometime. I'll bet we have more in common.
Have you ever driven a car?In my head, it was cute........but somehow I sound like a psychopath with no friends.
Totally untrue. I'm a psychopath and I have at least 4 friends. Since last Tuesday. The guy at subway, totally my best friend now. He handed me a napkin. Now we're pals for life.
I know what you guys are thinking. WHAT A WEIRDO. SHE WILL NEVER HAVE A DATE.
But what I find the most amusing about this situation is that in the moments where I think I'm not flirting at all and I'm just being "friends" with someone, well those are the moments where I'm perfect at it.
When everything just clicks and the nervousness withers away and he laughs at my jokes because he genuinely thinks I'm funny. In the moments when I'm not laughing like a goat or nervously talking nonstop, there's the guy that sticks around and makes ME laugh.
That's the winner.
So it's okay to choke on your spit or trip over your shadow.
It's okay to talk really fast or almost shut your date's hand in the car door out of nervousness.
It's okay to suck at being "cool" and to be the dork in aluminum foil when you're trying to be the knight in shining armor.
Because maybe we all need a little bit more of the awkward, nerdy types, to overthrow the cool, collected types that fit in perfectly to a romantic comedy.
I know I certainly do.
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