Unapologetically Alyssa
I. Am. A mess.
My entire life I have been aware that I'm just a little bit different.
Growing up as the middle child I always believed I had "middle child syndrome", constantly trying to break out of the crowd. For a while, I was quite shy and very quiet. I always hid behind my mom and avoided talking to people at all costs.
Somehow, over the years that changed and I quickly became a loud mouth that literally could NOT stop talking. It's like my brain was so overactive all the time and I had to get all of my words out.
My family tried to be patient with me, but I knew that listening to me was exhausting.
I was in love with words and looked for ways to express my thoughts.
I often retreated to the solitude of my bedroom and began writing anything and everything.
I wrote short stories, poems, and songs.
My life was spelled out through pages and pages of endless words that reflected my endless thoughts.
This was always odd for a kid and I had trouble relating to other people. In high school my friends often made fun of me for talking so much. I tried hard to monitor myself. I still have trouble muting myself at times. I could go on forever!
Sometimes I can be a bit of a deep thinker. My friend, Josh, used to always make fun of me for "talking like a poet". He said I could never just say things. I always had to express them in great detail.
I do have a tendency to be over-descriptive about innate details.......
There are so many things in my life that my family adapted to calling them part of "alyssaness".
Some of those things are:
I hate wearing matching socks.......mostly because who wastes time doing that?!?!
I have more self deprecating humor than anyone in my family---always fun to laugh at my expense!
(I'm the fat kid of the family. My nickname is "fat kid")
I can literally make any story and I mean ANY story funny. My friend, Anna, told me that I was the only person she knew that could bring laughs from something that should be borderline traumatic...
I'm seriously weird at funerals. Like, I crack a lot of jokes and don't cry....
I'm super weird around boys. I blush a lot and choke on my spit. One time, I was waiting in court and sitting next to two EXTREMELY hot and I mean HOTTTTT FBI agents. They were wearing their casual wear of jeans, tight v-neck shirts and their guns and badges. I, of course, was practically drooling on myself as I self-consciously sucked in my fat roll and tried to avoid eye contact. One of them was talking and caught me staring so he winked at me---OHMYGOD! Naturally, my response was to laugh. However, I choked and instead of laughing I made a weird noise and ended up sounding like a goat. A freaking goat!! Then I turned really red and got up and left...
I am technologically challenged. And by that, I mean, I'm technology stupid. I am the Rogue of technology. I touch things and they instantly go to crap. I don't even know what to do so I always just throw my hands up and scream "Why do you hate me?!?!"
I'm extremely OCD. Everything has to have a place and an order. My DVD's are alphabetized, my glasses are arranged by size into rows in the kitchen cabinet, I can't go to bed until the curtains are drawn and the couch pillows are in place, and I will literally freak out if a picture on the wall is crooked. I've actually alphabetized my post-it notes at work....
I'm awkwardly obsessed with my feet. Or should I say paranoid. That's probably a more accurate word. If I think people are looking at my feet, I quickly try to find a way to hide them. I spend a ridiculous amount of time making sure my nails are filed and my skin is soft--they're never perfect. No matter what I do, I always hate them. If the paint on ONE toenail chips, I have to scrape them ALL off and start over. I get a lot of pedicures and have more foot products than hair products (sad truth).
Evidently, this paranoia has paid off a little.
Orrrr has it.....
One time I was walking in Wal-Mart, wearing flip flops. I had blue nail polish, which was pretty shiny. I was just walking along when this guy stopped me. He grabbed my arm, looked down at my feet, then back up at me and said "You have very beautiful feet". It was beyond creepy. Then all of a sudden he reached down and started stroking my toes!! I immediately became alarmed and said "What are you doing?!?!" He replied, "I'm rubbing your toes for good luck.....so beautiful." And we all wonder why I have a no touching rule!!! Creeps at Wal-Mart, get me every time...
Which brings me to my next thought--No touching.
I wish I had some big explanation for this. Sadly, all I've got is, because I said so, that's why!
Proximity freaks me out. I'm not a "cuddler" or a "hugger".
When people wrap their arms around me, it makes me feel fat. I get overly self-conscious and immediately want it to stop. The more people touch me, the fatter I feel. I'm aware this doesn't make sense......that's just another reason why it's part of "alyssaness"
I sing and make weird sound effects ALL THE TIME! This was perfectly acceptable when I worked in child care. Kids love it when you make noises for everything. However, singing to the printer at the office, while you're making copies, is just a little bit weird.....being a true adult is hard for me.
I have spent an absurd amount of time perfecting my British accent just so I can read Jane Austen novels out loud to people and quote it perfectly...
I am a meat eater and an animal lover. These things have trouble intersecting. Like, I want other people to kill things so I can eat them, but I will cry if I see someone stab a cow on National Geographic Wild...
I don't trust birds. I just don't. They seem like they have a hidden agenda. They're just not right and I don't like them. End of story.
When I was in high school, my favorite movie was 10 Things I Hate About You. I idolized Julia Styles character, Kat. She was brutal and mean, yet she still got the guy in the end. Does that happen?!?! I'm a bit of a feminist and at times, I was often as brutal to guys as Kat was. It was like a sport for me. When I hit 18, it became a party trick. I was good at reading people and could usually peg them in about 5 minutes. I remember hanging out with my friends in a crowd of rowdy boys and picking out the most annoying one and knocking him down a peg--or 5! It was easy and brought some laughs. I'd usually say stuff like "..let me guess. You dress like that because you think that wearing that brand will somehow make you look like you're worth more and women will like you better because you spent $50 on a shirt that you reserve for nights like this, hoping you'll get laid. You're probably the guy that sips on one drink the entire night, but acts completely plastered and pretends like you've been drinking the whole time. This gives you a sense of control while keeping up the illusion that you're a party animal. You always go for the same type of girl each time. You pick through the crowd and find a quiet girl like me because we all look innocent enough to fall for your semantics. However, tonight you picked me..." Yes, I literally said that. Yes, he was upset. But shocker? I wasn't wrong. Later, he came up to me to talk about what I said. Because I was RIGHT!! HA! Who knew? Dang alyssaness!
I am paranoid that no matter what I do, I will someday be murdered by a serial killer who has been stalking me. I truly believe that there is a guy waiting in my backseat, in the shower, under my bed, and in my closet. Like, he's invisible and just hanging out there and will one day, randomly, become visible and get me!! Totally logical. Completely. Stop judging.
Well this is me....or a portion. I suffer from a great deal of "alyssaness". Yes, it's pretty much ridiculous. I keep apologizing for things about myself. I've been on dates with guys where I literally apologized the entire night for talking so much and my jokes and the no touching thing. But why?? Why do I spend so much time apologizing for who I am? God made me who I am. He counted every hair on my head as he laid them to rest. I have to quit apologizing for who I am and all my little "quirks". Instead, I need to embrace them, lay it all out there. This is ME. Take it, or leave it.
Lesson here? Be who you are. Don't apologize for the little things about yourself that other people may not like. Out of everything I've wanted in life, I've never wanted to be told that I'm perfect. Instead, I just want someone to look at me and fall in love with the mess that is so very much Alyssa. Like a guy from a John Hughs film will scream at me on the street, tell me that I'm crazy and I own too many foot products, I waste time organizing things, I talk too much, and that my hair is ALWAYS a mess. I want him to be so ridiculously honest and then say that he loves all of it. I don't know if that even exists, but I think us women deserve to look for that. Be yourself. Love yourself. Someday, someone else will too. Just be "unapologetically you".
My entire life I have been aware that I'm just a little bit different.
Growing up as the middle child I always believed I had "middle child syndrome", constantly trying to break out of the crowd. For a while, I was quite shy and very quiet. I always hid behind my mom and avoided talking to people at all costs.
Somehow, over the years that changed and I quickly became a loud mouth that literally could NOT stop talking. It's like my brain was so overactive all the time and I had to get all of my words out.
My family tried to be patient with me, but I knew that listening to me was exhausting.
I was in love with words and looked for ways to express my thoughts.
I often retreated to the solitude of my bedroom and began writing anything and everything.
I wrote short stories, poems, and songs.
My life was spelled out through pages and pages of endless words that reflected my endless thoughts.
This was always odd for a kid and I had trouble relating to other people. In high school my friends often made fun of me for talking so much. I tried hard to monitor myself. I still have trouble muting myself at times. I could go on forever!
Sometimes I can be a bit of a deep thinker. My friend, Josh, used to always make fun of me for "talking like a poet". He said I could never just say things. I always had to express them in great detail.
I do have a tendency to be over-descriptive about innate details.......
There are so many things in my life that my family adapted to calling them part of "alyssaness".
Some of those things are:
I hate wearing matching socks.......mostly because who wastes time doing that?!?!
I have more self deprecating humor than anyone in my family---always fun to laugh at my expense!
(I'm the fat kid of the family. My nickname is "fat kid")
I can literally make any story and I mean ANY story funny. My friend, Anna, told me that I was the only person she knew that could bring laughs from something that should be borderline traumatic...
I'm seriously weird at funerals. Like, I crack a lot of jokes and don't cry....
I'm super weird around boys. I blush a lot and choke on my spit. One time, I was waiting in court and sitting next to two EXTREMELY hot and I mean HOTTTTT FBI agents. They were wearing their casual wear of jeans, tight v-neck shirts and their guns and badges. I, of course, was practically drooling on myself as I self-consciously sucked in my fat roll and tried to avoid eye contact. One of them was talking and caught me staring so he winked at me---OHMYGOD! Naturally, my response was to laugh. However, I choked and instead of laughing I made a weird noise and ended up sounding like a goat. A freaking goat!! Then I turned really red and got up and left...
I am technologically challenged. And by that, I mean, I'm technology stupid. I am the Rogue of technology. I touch things and they instantly go to crap. I don't even know what to do so I always just throw my hands up and scream "Why do you hate me?!?!"
I'm extremely OCD. Everything has to have a place and an order. My DVD's are alphabetized, my glasses are arranged by size into rows in the kitchen cabinet, I can't go to bed until the curtains are drawn and the couch pillows are in place, and I will literally freak out if a picture on the wall is crooked. I've actually alphabetized my post-it notes at work....
I'm awkwardly obsessed with my feet. Or should I say paranoid. That's probably a more accurate word. If I think people are looking at my feet, I quickly try to find a way to hide them. I spend a ridiculous amount of time making sure my nails are filed and my skin is soft--they're never perfect. No matter what I do, I always hate them. If the paint on ONE toenail chips, I have to scrape them ALL off and start over. I get a lot of pedicures and have more foot products than hair products (sad truth).
Evidently, this paranoia has paid off a little.
Orrrr has it.....
One time I was walking in Wal-Mart, wearing flip flops. I had blue nail polish, which was pretty shiny. I was just walking along when this guy stopped me. He grabbed my arm, looked down at my feet, then back up at me and said "You have very beautiful feet". It was beyond creepy. Then all of a sudden he reached down and started stroking my toes!! I immediately became alarmed and said "What are you doing?!?!" He replied, "I'm rubbing your toes for good luck.....so beautiful." And we all wonder why I have a no touching rule!!! Creeps at Wal-Mart, get me every time...
Which brings me to my next thought--No touching.
I wish I had some big explanation for this. Sadly, all I've got is, because I said so, that's why!
Proximity freaks me out. I'm not a "cuddler" or a "hugger".
When people wrap their arms around me, it makes me feel fat. I get overly self-conscious and immediately want it to stop. The more people touch me, the fatter I feel. I'm aware this doesn't make sense......that's just another reason why it's part of "alyssaness"
I sing and make weird sound effects ALL THE TIME! This was perfectly acceptable when I worked in child care. Kids love it when you make noises for everything. However, singing to the printer at the office, while you're making copies, is just a little bit weird.....being a true adult is hard for me.
I have spent an absurd amount of time perfecting my British accent just so I can read Jane Austen novels out loud to people and quote it perfectly...
I am a meat eater and an animal lover. These things have trouble intersecting. Like, I want other people to kill things so I can eat them, but I will cry if I see someone stab a cow on National Geographic Wild...
I don't trust birds. I just don't. They seem like they have a hidden agenda. They're just not right and I don't like them. End of story.
When I was in high school, my favorite movie was 10 Things I Hate About You. I idolized Julia Styles character, Kat. She was brutal and mean, yet she still got the guy in the end. Does that happen?!?! I'm a bit of a feminist and at times, I was often as brutal to guys as Kat was. It was like a sport for me. When I hit 18, it became a party trick. I was good at reading people and could usually peg them in about 5 minutes. I remember hanging out with my friends in a crowd of rowdy boys and picking out the most annoying one and knocking him down a peg--or 5! It was easy and brought some laughs. I'd usually say stuff like "..let me guess. You dress like that because you think that wearing that brand will somehow make you look like you're worth more and women will like you better because you spent $50 on a shirt that you reserve for nights like this, hoping you'll get laid. You're probably the guy that sips on one drink the entire night, but acts completely plastered and pretends like you've been drinking the whole time. This gives you a sense of control while keeping up the illusion that you're a party animal. You always go for the same type of girl each time. You pick through the crowd and find a quiet girl like me because we all look innocent enough to fall for your semantics. However, tonight you picked me..." Yes, I literally said that. Yes, he was upset. But shocker? I wasn't wrong. Later, he came up to me to talk about what I said. Because I was RIGHT!! HA! Who knew? Dang alyssaness!
I am paranoid that no matter what I do, I will someday be murdered by a serial killer who has been stalking me. I truly believe that there is a guy waiting in my backseat, in the shower, under my bed, and in my closet. Like, he's invisible and just hanging out there and will one day, randomly, become visible and get me!! Totally logical. Completely. Stop judging.
Well this is me....or a portion. I suffer from a great deal of "alyssaness". Yes, it's pretty much ridiculous. I keep apologizing for things about myself. I've been on dates with guys where I literally apologized the entire night for talking so much and my jokes and the no touching thing. But why?? Why do I spend so much time apologizing for who I am? God made me who I am. He counted every hair on my head as he laid them to rest. I have to quit apologizing for who I am and all my little "quirks". Instead, I need to embrace them, lay it all out there. This is ME. Take it, or leave it.
Lesson here? Be who you are. Don't apologize for the little things about yourself that other people may not like. Out of everything I've wanted in life, I've never wanted to be told that I'm perfect. Instead, I just want someone to look at me and fall in love with the mess that is so very much Alyssa. Like a guy from a John Hughs film will scream at me on the street, tell me that I'm crazy and I own too many foot products, I waste time organizing things, I talk too much, and that my hair is ALWAYS a mess. I want him to be so ridiculously honest and then say that he loves all of it. I don't know if that even exists, but I think us women deserve to look for that. Be yourself. Love yourself. Someday, someone else will too. Just be "unapologetically you".
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