Sometimes, the one you need to communicate with the most is Yourself

Every once in a while I find myself caught up in the world and everything seems to be spinning around me so quickly, that I can barely catch my breath. When this happens I often "go off the grid" as I like to call it. I had many times like this in college when the outside world became too much so I shut people out by deactivating my facebook and silencing my phone. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you simply let go of everything that's holding you back.

I love helping people and I am all about what people need. Sadly, I let myself get caught up and so absorbed in other people that I often forget to take care of myself. I internalize everything which I know is a HUGE issue. I bottle things up until I'm  ready to explode. I hate sharing things with people, so I've learned my own way of coping. "Going off the grid" is a brilliant strategy I developed for myself to just take time for self reflection. I always seem to learn more about myself each time.

I think the best way to "cleanse" ourselves from the world's negativity is to just take a beat, sit back, and evaluate everything. It's good to step back and take a breath every once in a while. There are so many distractions out there with facebook, pinterest, tv, video games, skype, phones........everything seems to get in the way. Sometimes the one you need to communicate with the most is yourself.

Things seem to be hitting me pretty hard these last few weeks and I just feel buried in pressure and disappointment, all of which are out of my control. It's a horrible feeling, knowing you have no control over the things in your life. I live off control. I value it more than anything else. I NEED to know what is happening at all times. I have a keen ability to read people and can often predict most of what's going to happen, typically, based on behaviors. I guess majoring in Psychology did me some good. It's a disturbing ability at times, as I can always look at friendships and relationships and tell you how long they'll last, why they won't, or why they will. I'm rarely ever wrong.


Week of Silence.

As my head was spinning last weekend I dropped off the grid for a bit. I found myself closed off from everything, just going through the motions. I literally sat and stared at a wall for nearly an hour on Saturday just thinking....thinking....thinking. It was like all of a sudden I weighed a thousand pounds and could not lift myself up. We all hit a slump at times, that's normal. I don't know what everyone else's "slumps" feel like, but this is often how mine go. Suddenly, no tv show, no movie, no song can snap me back up. I try reading my favorite book and slam it closed. I try my Bible, again--nothing. I try playing piano, which I abruptly quit playing in anger as my fingers keep slipping off the keys. My guitar string popped so that's a no go as well.
So there I am, sitting on the floor (not even on the couch, but literally, the floor), head spinning, just thinking. Thinking, thinking, thinking. It's like my brain never stops. Eventually this passed and I moved on, but I was still locked in a crater for the next few days. I felt like a zombie. Things have been so heavy lately. I keep thinking why now? Things have finally started to become okay again. I've been going strong for a while and it's like I can't ever win. When the storm hits it always brings a tornado. For once, can we just get a "light rain"? Maybe just some heavy winds? Everything seems to fall apart at the same time, over and over again.

Yesterday I got home early enough to take Kryton out for a hike. I grabbed his leash and my ipod and searched the entire house for my headphones. After 10 minutes of searching, I gave up. No ipod. For me, music is the only way out of my own head. It's the one thing that can silence my never-ending thoughts. I almost cried at the thought of not having my musical crutch to silence myself. But, alas, I brushed it off and headed out to Giant City.

Kry and I headed for our favorite spot up on the Stonefort Ridge. It has the best view and the air is so fresh. I tried not to pout about my ipod as I headed up the cliff. For a moment I just closed my eyes and took in the reverie of everything around me. I'm not sure how long I stood at the top of the rock, it seemed like eternity. I just stared off into the trees listening to leaves rustling, birds chirping, squirrels running.......it was so peaceful and calming. I stared up into a tree of yellow and I noticed one, small, red leaf that only had a tip of yellow. All the other leaves had turned, but there sat this small, lonely leaf taking it's time to turn. In that moment I began to feel like I was that leaf. Like everyone around me had already turned and here I was just starting to turn. That's how I feel about life. Like the whole world is moving on and I'm at a stand still. In that moment, I realized that it wasn't that I needed to get out of my own head, it's that I needed to communicate with myself. I needed to let all my thoughts sink in, deeply, and pay attention to what my inner-self had to say. Sometimes I get so consumed with to-do lists, work issues, friends, and boy drama that I seriously forget to just self reflect.

You know yourself better than anyone. Your wants. Your needs. Your desires. We're all in charge of our own happiness. Sometimes a step back is all we really need.

I have been struggling with mass insomnia on and off since high school. I've always had an overactive brain and my thoughts just pour out all the time. This is partially why I can't stop talking all the time and also why I write so much. I learned early on that the best outlet for my overflowing mind were words to paper. I wrote songs, poetry, and stories ever since I could write. Sometimes things just don't mean the same when they're said out loud. Somehow, writing it down, it comes out better. Even looking back at previous things I've written, I get a better understanding of my own life. It sounds strange, but I often don't even know what I'm writing until I'm done. I just start going and read it at the end. I'm always so focused on "getting things out", I just want to get out of my own head....but maybe that's wrong. Maybe all I've ever needed is just to listen to my own inner voice.

I think we all need to take a little time for self reflection every once in a while. Sometimes I pray, read my Bible, write music, write ridiculous blogs like these, reread my favorite novels, or go for long hikes. It doesn't matter what you do with your time, you just need to forget about our busy world and all of it's advancements, even if only for a day. 

Ditch your computer and your phone, turn off the tv, and just think. The best thing you can do for you sanity, is listen to your mind.


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Thank you for being Love

Secrets of Horrible Flirting

I'm the caseworker that stole your children