The end of 22...

Selfishness: the act of concentrating on one's own advantage, excluding and having no regards for others.


Lately I've been looking back at some notebooks I had from college. Some of them have notes in them from classes, others have my plans that I drew out for myself. I've always been so goal oriented, driven towards success. I had everything planned out. Go to college, get a job, save money, go to grad school, get a better job. Each thing was so incredibly monumental for the history of my life. I'm the first child in my family to go to college and receive a degree and I'm the first to go while I'm young. My parents went back to school when I was in high school, so for our family, this was a pretty huge success story.

In December, I reached the peak of my life in so far. I'd done it. I'd graduated. I suffered through hard classes, no sleep, struggling financially, working 3 jobs, adjusting to roommate differences, and the peer pressures of college life. I'd made it through everything, dignity intact. I seemed to go through at warp speed, never looking at what I was actually doing. I just did it. I ran through each week writing papers, shuffling between nannying, housekeeping, and teaching at CDL. Somehow, I managed to take 6 classes and work 43 hours a week without completely losing my sanity. I did it. I survived.

But the success story doesn't end there.
I struggled for months, living off the pennies I had left, only babysitting occasionally to scrape by. It wasn't until April that I finally caught a break and snagged a job. A real job. Salary and benefits. I entered a whole new world. People kept saying "Welcome to adulthood", but what does that even mean? Am I an adult now? I've been paying my own bills for the past 2 years since I've lived out of my parents' house and prior to that, I was already paying for my phone and my car. What's the difference?

Adjusting to this new life of "adulthood" has been so....strange. I've always had goals and a focus, but now...I'm here. What is my focus supposed to be? I've always had a focus, primarily on myself. I've been selfish all my life, taking care of myself, making sure I made something of my life. Making sure I had it all figured out and a big master plan. I guess the next step would be Graduate school. However, I'm not made of money, nor have I come even close to saving up enough to make THAT happen. So I'm left with this.....what actually DOES happen next??

In a few short months it will have been a year since I graduated college and I will turn 23 shortly following. But what was my end goal for that bench mark? I don't even know! It's like, I just stopped thinking. My brain hit an overload and I completely forgot about what I supposed to be doing. I'm working, trying to save money. I've picked Grad schools that I'm going to apply to and eventually I will go, but what am I doing. REALLY?

In life, most people's goals are the same. Go to school, get a job, get married, have kids.... It all makes sense and in the big scheme things, this is what naturally follows. I just don't know if that's my goal? Do I want to get married? Sure, I do. But....when? Where on earth do you fit that in? Is it supposed to be during college? After college? In Grad school? In your career? Somewhere in between? What. Am. I. DOING?! I don't get this. This life. This plan. This goal. This future. I hate not knowing what comes next. I hate not being able to predict EVERYTHING that's going to happen.

I've been so self absorbed for the better part of the past 4 years of my life, not thinking about others. Just doing. I don't even know how to make my life about someone else. Better yet, to ADD someone to my life. I spend every waking moment thinking about work and kids. Work and kids, work and kids, work and kids. That's it. My life has become about them and I've lost focus. I don't even know if it's me being selfish and only thinking about work or if it's me being avoidant, dismissing the thought of something else? Or SOMEONE else? I don't even know.

For the first time in my life, I do not have a plan. It literally drives me CRAZY. I don't have control over anything. It's like a giant game of chance. I could find a better job. I could apply to graduate school and somehow get a scholarship (hopefully?). I could meet some amazing guy. I could move to another state.... I don't even know!! I don't know what I want. I don't know if I want to move away, stay here, go to school here, go to school in Michigan, go overseas, get another dog, date?!

I'm sure this is the same old song and dance of every 22 year old, who doesn't have their life together. I get it. It's probably annoying. Rob Thomas says it all in his song Someday. "Maybe someday we'll figure all this out. Try to put an end to all our doubt, and try to find a way to make things better now. Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud. We'll be better off somehow, someday."

So today, I pledge this:

No more selfishness. What happens, happens. Take it one day at a time and live in the moment. TRULY live in the moment. Forget about what happened yesterday or what's happening tomorrow and just let it go. You're only 22 once. My sister once told me that 22 is where it all happens. After that, you hit 23 and it all goes down hill from there. I don't know that it exactly happens like THAT, but just in case... I have 3 months to make this work and I mean TRULY work. Live in the moment. Date. Don't date. It doesn't even matter. Have a drink on a weeknight. Flirt with the guy at the grocery store. Play your music WAY TOO LOUD. Buy those colored skinny jeans that everyone thinks are weird. Buy that song on itunes that you know you'd be embarrassed to have. Just do it. All of it. Live your life to the fullest. Even if you're not 22. Life only happens once. Don't be so overly self absorbed that you literally forget how to enjoy the company of others and enjoy everything that surrounds us. I hate to quote Taylor Swift, but she kinda had it right, "We're happy, free, confused, and lonely, in the best way".

My old roommate, Sydney, used to say it's the little things that make us happy and we should try and enjoy them each and every day. She always made me laugh when we lived together because we'd literally celebrate the DUMBEST things. We'd celebrate criminal minds being on tv, the outdoor dairy queen being open, having bubble wrap to pop, a good egg roll from the chinese place down the road, getting carded at the movie theater when you're watching a movie that requires you to be 17, pulling warm sheets from the dryer, finding money in your pants pocket. Each of those things always made us smile. And why shouldn't they?


Take in each moment, each thing that brings you even a small twinge of happiness, and celebrate it as if it's monumental. Because, it is. It's what brought you today's smile. One of many, I hope. (:

Just to reiterate some of this, I shall let Rob Thomas do some talking.