pooping with toddlers

Spending time with kids is always adventurous. 
As a nanny and an unofficial aunt to my best friend's children, I find that there is a never-ending supply of laughter and ridiculous stories to repeat over and over.

If the stories of children aren't epic enough, add to that the difference of boys and girls, and you'll have a free flow of tears from the epicness that you confront.

Having said that, I will share with you one of my most recent adventures with my friend's four year old son, Shaun.

A few things about Shaun, he is very much his own breed.
He's bull-headed, a little bit obnoxious, very masculine, and just---a WHOLE LOT OF BOY.
If you're a parent to a boy, that statement means everything.
If you're not, you'll soon discover what that means by the end of this blog.

To begin our adventure, Shaun is fully potty trained.
While he knows how to potty on his own, he will not do so without company.

I was at my friend's house when Shaun decided he needed to poop.
He began announcing it and screaming for Sissa to come with him.
Awesome.
I feel honored to be of the poop show choice. 
Considering how unattached to me he is most days, referring to me as "Mean Lyssa" because I make him mind his manners, this was actually quite the compliment.

We begin our adventure by marching off to the bathroom, where he proceeds to take off his shoes, pants, and underwear. You know, because they can be so restricting when one needs to have a bowel movement.

He begins to climb up onto the potty when he realizes he also needs to pee.....of course that realization came mid-stream, down my leg.
Yes, he peed on me.
I, of course, begin to scream and tell him he's peeing on me, to which he replies "oh" and calmly tucks his penis into the toilet to finish.
The boy was completely un-phased by the fact that he just pissed down my leg, like it's no big deal and he does that all the time.

He quickly settles in to a comfortable pooping position by resting his elbows on his legs and his chin in his hands.

The image that was taking place was literally too adorable to surpass.
I should preface by saying that Shaun has recently gotten glasses and has literally become the cutest 4 year old on the planet.

Picture this:

 Adorable brown haired, tan little boy, with thick glasses that have a head band that wraps around his head to keep them up.
Chin in hands, nose scrunched.
Just let your heart absorb his cuteness..............

Then comes the conversation.

We wait, and we wait, and we wait.
At this point, I'm unsure if the kid even needs to poop or if he just wants the attention.
For Shaun, pooping is a big production.

Someone must accompany him to the bathroom and sit with him one on one, until he has finished.
You're literally stuck sitting, 1 foot away from him, on a stool, looking directly at him while he has a bowel movement.
Every person's dream, let me tell ya.

I asked him if he'd pooped yet, and he literally says, "I dunno. Can you check?"

Can I check?

Normally, I am not one to check a child's behind to see if he is actually having a bowel movement, however, I really don't want to stay in this bathroom all day, and 10 minutes has already passed, and honestly- I just want to know if he really has to poop.

So naturally, I check.
No poop.

I ask him if the poop is still there and he replies, "It's in my belly. It's not in my bottom yet."
"Well how did the poop get in your belly?"
"Umm well it was in here, then it moved" *points to the center of his chest*
"It started in your chest?"
"uhhhh yeah."
Obviously there's some major confidence with that answer.
"How did it get in your chest?"
"Well ummm I was eating and then the food mixed up and it made poop."

By this point, I am getting full hand gestures of food becoming poop.
I try to contain my laughter, as he angrily scowls at me and tells me it's not funny.

Another Shaun trait- laughing equals anger. He is never funny. At least that's how he sees it.

I continue to try and contain myself as he describes the poop in full detail of how food becomes poop and what the poop looks like.
Finally, after 25 minutes of poop talk- he begins to drop his bowels into the toilet.
If the sound wasn't enough, he began cheering and praising himself.
He literally even said, "Good job, Shaun". As if to pat himself on the back.

I check to make sure he's finished, by this point looking at his butt is no big deal, and let him climb off the potty.

And I don't know if it's a boy thing, a Shaun thing, or the simple fact that he's a toddler on a toilet, but he is the most ungraceful kid on the planet. He barrels off the potty, legs spread wide, and launches himself onto the floor and into my lap.

He's already peed on me, so what's a naked kid in my lap, right?

He quickly stands up leans over the bathtub, butt in the air, and asks me to wipe his bottom.
His butt is now directly in my face.
Thank GOD I love kids.....

I wipe his bottom, all while he's instructing me on how to do it- ya know, because I've never wiped a poopy bottom before.
He said, "Make sure you get all of it.", as he's leaning his butt into me.

I can't even. I just-

THIS kid.

I finish wiping and help him get dressed and wash his hands and watch him proudly march out of the bathroom like he's just won the olympics. He runs off to the living room to tell his mother and brothers that he's just pooped. In this house, pooping is for champions- at least that's how the boys see it.

When there's boys around, poop, boogers, and farts seem to be the best topics to cover......I hope I have all girls..

I love this boy, and his brothers and parents.

Butttt the next time he has to poop, I'm hoping he doesn't ask Sissa...