Seriously, what the hell am I doing with my 20’s?

When I was a kid, I dreamed that by 26 I’d be married, have a career, and would be starting a family. I dreamed of owning my own house and having a fenced in backyard for lots of dogs and kids to run in. I imagined I’d be settled in my plans and would have everything figured out.

Yet here I sit, staring down birthday after birthday, having genuinely NO clue what I’m doing. I am a horribly unhealthy eater, to which my doctor has so delicately pointed out my weight gain in the past couple of years, and highlighted an exercise plan for me because I’m now considered in the “obese” category. 

A huge thank you to that God-forsaken BMI. Exercise? Running alone sounds like an episode of criminal minds and going to the gym always results in that creepy guy that moves to the equipment behind you to stare at your ass. I see you, bro.

I’m spinning in circles just trying to get my footing on at least ONE plan that I had.

I can’t keep a relationship to save my life, yet I have a sea of ex-boyfriends that just linger around and keep tabs on me to make sure I don’t find anyone else I like better. Ironically, they don’t actually want me, they just want to make damn sure no one else does either. 

And a career? Whoever told you a Bachelor’s degree would take care of you was lying. It was also probably a man. I’m not even going to talk about college debt right now. Buy a house? HA!

My apartment has practically no closet space and I can’t decide if the space is for my clothes, or the skeletons I keep.

Every day I just sit here and think, What the HELL am I doing?!

I keep getting invited to baby showers and weddings, and now we’re venturing in to house-warming parties, and dinner parties, and ya’ll, I am EXHAUSTED.

I am seriously exhausted. My life is an emotional roller coaster, and quite frankly, a train wreck. I am careful what I post on social media; take selfies of perfectly quaffed hair and makeup, put up snapchats to make it look like my life is nothing but a blast, and let me just tell you—I’m FAR from perfect.

I have a heaping pile of laundry that I haven’t touched, due to pure laziness. I have a birthday present I bought for the guy I was dating over the summer, sitting here waiting to be mailed to him along with the last shredded pieces of my dignity. I have a paper due tomorrow for Grad school that I already know I’m going to half-ass, and a sad dog that I neglect far too often.

I don’t know what I’m doing. And furthermore, I don’t know what I WANT to do. There’s no manual for this stuff. There’s no rulebook for how to climb out of the disasters your twenties put you through. There’s no recipe for how to handle heartbreak and rejection. There’s no perfect answer that will help you nail that interview at your dream job. There’s no easy fix for that credit score you’ve been tanking, that car you’re upside down on, or that love you’re still trying to get over.

You just muddle through and hope you’re doing things semi-right. I don’t have a clue if I’m doing anything right. Not relationships. Not my job. Not Grad school. I’m not even sure if I’m a good dog-parent. I just get up, every day, and remind myself that I’m human and that maybe I don’t know what I’m doing with my 20’s, but I’m here and I’m trying. Maybe that’s all a person can do. Maybe that’s all a person should do.

Here’s to keep on keeping on, and maybe just MAYBE, figuring out what the hell I’m doing in my 30’s.