To the dog I wasn’t ready to lose..

From the moment I laid eyes on you, I knew you were special. A scruffy, underweight 2 year old, with a skiddish demeanor and warm brown eyes, standing outside of a pet store with all the other rescue dogs.

You came to me with slow uncertainty, but quickly warmed up to the stroke of my hand down your back. I knew once I held you, that was it for us. You were mine.

You made me so nervous in the car that day, bouncing back and forth between the front and backseat. That became the first of many roadtrips for us and you learned to lay claim to the front seat.

I always felt bad that I kept my music so loud in the car, but you never seemed to mind, just excited to be along for the ride. 

Thinking back to all our adventures, there are so many things I never thanked you for; so much I need to say about the last 6 years.

Thank you for staying up with me through all those nights in college. Thank you for always finding ways to make me smile, even in my most stressful moments.

Thank you for your endless distractions, always placing toys in my lap, or pushing my laptop closed when you thought we both needed a break.

Thank you for always being our playful little ninja, even IF your attempts to be king of the house, drove everyone nuts.

Thank you for curling in my lap on my sad days and always letting me hold you when I cried.

Thank you for all the times you made me feel safe living alone, and getting me through my most irrational of fears.

Thank you for always being on guard with new guys and testing the people I date.

Thank you for letting me use you as a pillow as I curled in on myself and cried during breakups, never judging me for how much wine I drank or how much ice cream I ate (as long as I gave you a nibble).

Thank you for always giving me a reason to get out of bed, even in my most miserable state.

Thank you for always keeping me warm at night, even if you were kind of a bed hog.

Thank you for always loving my family and being so sweet with children, allowing them to pull on your tail or climb on your back with nothing more than a lick on their face from you.

Thank you for all our adventurous hikes and walks and your excitement to see new places.

Thank you for always making me laugh, like the time you got stuck in the windowsill when the window closed on you after barking at the neighbor's cat.

Thank you for being a trooper when I made us move for the fifth time.

Thank you for spending all the holidays with me and being the one everyone cuddled on Christmas.

Thank you for always giving me a reason to be happy coming home and I'm so sorry for the nights I worked late or went to class. I always hated leaving you so much.

I never imagined I’d miss you this much. I never dreamed our journey would end this soon.
I have never felt such devastation and I never knew something could cut so deep.

Part of me wants to yell at you and scold you the way I always have. And I want to scream at myself for not double-checking your harness, knowing how squirmy you are.

I hate us both for that day because I wasn’t ready to let go of you.

I wasn’t ready to carry your 8 year old limp body into the vet, knowing there wasn’t anything they could do. I'm so sorry I left you there. I just couldn't carry you back out, alone. I couldn't even carry myself...

You were healthy as could be. That’s what the vet said, 2 days prior. A little “too” healthy when he referred to your weight. I laughed, knowing you were definitely getting on the heavy side and then immediately took you home to wash off your depression from getting your shots with fazolis breadsticks. I never knew how NOT to spoil you. It was those warm, brown eyes. They were my kryptonite.

I still haven’t figured out how to sleep without you or what to do with my spare time. I still find dog fur all over the house and can hear myself argue with you over the various critters you’re always trying to bring inside.

I’ll still never forget the time you handed me a dead mole because I was too sick to see straight…..I’m still kind of traumatized.

I’ll never get over missing you. I’ve cried myself to sleep every day this week.
You were my best friend, my child, and the love of my life.

To my dear, sweet, brown-eyed boy, thank you, for being you. 

Kryton Athesias Ninja 2009 - February 19th, 2017