When you're better at being single

Sitting in a dimly lit theater, his hand wanders over to my thigh. Suddenly he’s scooting closer and closer and I am quietly wondering if maybe it would be easier if we just shared a seat. Like perhaps he is a toddler and needs my lap. Though I don’t think his 6’2’’ stature is going to fit well. I contemplate this as my eyes bore holes into the hand he ISN’T moving. I should like this gesture right? I should appreciate the kiss he just gave me on my cheek instead of wondering when I am going to be able to wipe off the saliva he left behind, without him noticing. 

Leaving the theater, instead of appreciating the territorial arm that quickly jumps to my waist as another man gives me a friendly hello, I am creating my escape plan; the text I will send him after I get home, the karate arms I will use in the car when he tries to stick his tongue down my throat, and the way I will express to him that while I DO like him, I don't want him to be my boyfriend.

It always goes like this. The first few dates are perfect. The guys laugh at my jokes and are fun to talk to. Then all of a sudden BAM. The constant PDA, the need to have a label, getting upset with you when you are busy with work or school, sending you strange texts about how offended they were that you didn’t invite them out, but have pictures up on facebook of going out that weekend, indicating you weren’t too busy to have a good time.

It’s EXHAUSTING.

Dating is a mess. A GIANT MESS. I always kind of hated it. The obligations. The labels. The rules. The anxiety that comes with “OHMYGOD does he like me?!” 

I have been on my share of dates. That’s the part I’m good at. I can go on dates all damn day. I just can’t seem to do the relationship part. I can’t even commit to a brand of laundry detergent and you want me to commit to a boyfriend? No dice.

I genuinely suck at relationships. If the guy isn’t the guy, I know it right away. No need to let Joe Schmoe stick around so I can try to “teach” myself not to be annoyed with the way he walks, talks, chews, or breathes loudly when watching tv. I LITERALLY CAN’T.

And I never know how to react when a guy is overly sweet. You wrote me a poem? *laughs*
Oh crap…you’re being serious.
I also really suck at receiving compliments. It's so awkward and uncomfortable.
Guy: "You have really pretty eyes"
Me: "Thanks, I got them for my birthday."

And like how weird is hugging? Who decided that was going to be a thing? Like how did the first hug go down? “Oh hey Jessica, can you just stand still while I press my body against your body for a moment while I just pause?”

But so you don’t think I am just a super cynical Susie, let’s review some of my favorite dates. The ones I always tell people about when they’re complaining about their latest disaster. The ones that literally make me wonder why I am not famous and if Ashton Kutcher has been playing the most epic game of “Punk’d” with me for that last 4 years.

From my very own BAD DATE BOOK

Double Date Disaster: 

My friends are super awesome people who mean well, but let’s face it -when you find that random single guy who has been single for a long time… there’s a reason. If you ask questions like “Is he cute?” and they respond with “He’s nice”. Go ahead and shoot yourself in the foot. Just save yourself. It’s not even about looks. It’s just the fact that your friend was worried enough about you and your “singleness disease” that they are literally having you go out with someone they don’t even find attractive. Let that sink in. And remember, dates can [sometimes] end in kissing. 

He arrives, niceness in all, dressed in an open button up shirt and a white t-shirt underneath, one that could maybe use a dash of bleach, and a stain remover for whatever the hell he ate the last time he wore it. But don’t worry about the stain, you almost miss it if you catch the hole in it first. 

You’re trying. You’re asking him questions, but he completely forgot that his date WASN’T with the other guy there. God forbid he talk to the girl he’s supposed to be there with……and yes, order another beer……or 2. Maybe he’ll talk by the end. He’ll offer to pay for dinner then brag about it like he just bought a Lamborghini. What’s the proper response in this situation? Do I just say thank you, or take him to the back to show him my appreciation for paying for my $10 chicken?

But just remember, when your friend smiles all filled with hope at the end of the night and asks how you feel, just repeat back to her that he's nice. Because.......well, he "was nice."

Cow Guy:

Growing up in small towns and living near them doesn’t leave you with a lot of dating options. It pushes you to explore online dating more, in hopes you’ll find someone who has all their teeth and doesn’t live with their mother. Really, your expectations aren’t all that high. You just want someone who doesn’t want to make you into a skin suit and who doesn’t have a wife and 6 kids at home. (I draw the line at 4.)

I talked to this guy for about a week and he seemed crazy smart. He had a job with some ecological company that had him inspecting environmental stuff and traveling the surrounding counties. It was honestly over my head and I wasn’t all that interested in his biology degree, but it was still interesting enough that I wasn’t bored. He also expressed a deep interest in writing and had stated he was working on a book that was in the process of editing. I know right? You’re liking him too….just wait.

So we decide to meet up for coffee. Now, my rule for first dates when meeting people online is to typically go out for coffee or drinks. That way if it sucks, you can finish your drink and leave without it being a big deal. (I know, you’re forever amazed at my genius……and also wondering how many online dates I’ve been on that I literally have this mapped out. Shut up, okay. Being 25 is hard.)

So everything is going great. He’s super nice and cute, maybe laughs at his own jokes a little too much, but I can hang for a minute. Finally, I ask him about his book. I can’t even contain my excitement about being with a fellow writer, much less someone who is literally publishing a book. I’m already jealous. Like I don’t know if I can handle someone being smarter than me or a better writer. Chill out Alyssa. Breathe.

But here’s where the whole thing crashes and burns. Here’s where I remember EXACTLY WHY I’M SINGLE.

Me: “So what’s your book about?”
Him: “Well…..it’s called ‘Cows I’ve Known’.”
Me: ………….
Me: “Is that like a metaphor for something?”
Him: “Well, see I grew up on a cattle farm……”

NO NO NO NO NO NO. NO!

I can’t even. Like on a level of Can’t to Even, I just CAN’T. My even is broken. He broke my freaking even!!! This book is LITERALLY about Cows.

He wrote a book about cows. He believes cows have personalities and he wrote a book about it. His closest childhood friends are cows and now he wrote a book.... I am going to cry. Where the hell is Ashton??

The rest of the date was spent listening to him talk about how cows have different personalities and how they’re all different. As he shared his favorite cows in life, I was trying to decide whether or not I should commit suicide in the bathroom.

And this is it. Why I am single.

Don’t get me wrong, I can do relationships. I can be touchy feely and hug and write love letters and be completely cheesy, but sometimes I am just better at being single. Because if it’s not the right guy, I’m not going to try. I have been the anxious girl who can be suffocating and who spends hours trying to decide the meaning behind a 4 word text a guy sent, agonizing over what to wear and whether or not he cares about me, and I am BEYOND over it. It’s exhausting. SO EXHAUSTING. Relationships should literally not be hard. The best relationships are the ones that just happen; the friendships that just simply become more.

So until that friendship comes along again and I don’t become nauseous at the use of the word “boyfriend”, I’ll selfishly keep writing blogs about guys with holey shirts and cow obsessions.

Because sometimes we’re just better at being single……..


And to sum up my life, here's a nice buzzfeed video that my friends keep sending me the link to saying "This is you". 

#singleandreadyforapringle