Moving away to find yourself: Welcome to the City

Sitting in my City apartment, cars buzzing by, the girl downstairs kissing her boyfriend goodbye as he leaves, a man walking his dog is quickly passed by a jogger. Everything is moving. And I sit here, taking in each movement as I am perfectly still. I absorb my surroundings, hearing the soft hum of the air conditioner, staring at the candle burning away the last of the wax, and I feel a stillness. Tranquil serenity.

When I decided to move to the City my mind was racing, trying to figure out what I was doing and why. I spent 90% of my time convincing myself it had nothing to do with my ex-boyfriend who lived there and the other 10% of the time was spent being terrified of leaving my comfort zone. Small towns are easy. They’re safe. You know people; you get your morning coffee with questions about work or your home life. You spend Sunday afternoons with family and friends and you always know who to call when your car breaks down.

But there’s something those small towns never give you. You know everyone around you, right down to who is related to who, but amongst finding the relatives of everyone else, you never really find yourself.

You’re never alone long enough to contemplate what you want out of life. You get caught up in daily routines, following the small town flow, waiting to fall in line with everyone else with marriage and children, going on dates with guys who wear boots and write books about cows they’ve known.

I prayed so hard that I’d find a new path this year. Spent nights begging God for an explanation, and a way to breathe new life into this year. I wanted a new career path, new opportunities and I had no idea what I was in for. I was tired of the small town mindsets. I was tired of watching racism and sexism play out in the day to day and never challenged. I was exhausted from climbing mountains and I wanted to be in a place where I could move them.

Finally I made it here. My big City apartment. My new career path. A breath of life. And for the first time in 25 years, I listened to myself.

I moved to the City to find myself and what I found is that I am so capable of doing anything I want to do. I can navigate new areas, even keeping calm when getting lost trying to find the grocery store. I have made friends and spent time exploring. The City has taught me that I have big hopes and dreams that I can achieve all by myself. I am sad for those I have left behind and still grieving the losses of things from last year, but I am so incredibly grateful for this breath of life I have been given. I have renewed strength. I have spent my entire life taking care of everyone else, I finally get to take care of me.

I look into this world and see diversity and cultures playing across each street that I turn on to and I feel relieved and hopeful. Difference is beautiful.

I moved to the City to find myself. And every day I feel inspired. Inspired to dream bigger and live brighter. Inspired to look for the positives instead of dwelling on the negatives. Inspired to work harder and be more grateful for the blessings in my career.

I have found groups for racial equality, watched girls living independently, following feminist values without ever being challenged, because in the City, it's OKAY to be by yourself. It's okay to be female and strong and to take care of things on your own. You don't need a man by your side to make yourself whole. And if there IS a guy, in the City he can be black or white or Chinese or Muslim or maybe he's Indian. The stares are less. The questions are less. People expect difference. It's not a small town with generations of people stuck in their ways.

The City has taught me who is important in my life and who isn’t. It showed me who will check in with me and visit me. Who worries and calls and who will be there in my weak moments.

The City has taught me that even being a single girl, living alone can still be safe and peaceful. You can still find people to trust.

And I cherish these moments. One day I will have a husband and children and a bustling career and I won’t be able to just have this. These quiet nights in a City apartment.

5 months ago I begged for this, convinced I would never have it; absolutely positive there would be no clarity or that I’d get here and end up homesick and scared. But instead I feel absolutely free. Moving away from everyone I know and love is freeing and beautiful. Scary, but eye opening.

I encourage everyone in their twenties to leave their comfort zones, move to a City, try a different career, go on dates with guys you wouldn’t normally go out with. Live fully. Marvel in your independence. These are the days to do it. Explore. Be a little reckless. Find yourself.

I found myself in the City……..and I really like me.