Sorry I'm not sorry anymore



Sorry I’m not sorry…anymore.

I don’t know when it happened.
When exactly I realized how weak and dependent on others I can be.
Perhaps when it was 3 am and I was filtering through my contacts, or maybe it was when I emailed you for the 5th time, hoping we could talk.

I don’t know when I finally picked up on my insecurity or my incessant need to be liked and completely understood, but it’s something that I can no longer apologize for.

I have spent my entire life apologizing for everything.
I’m sorry I bumped into you.
I’m sorry I needed to ask a question.
I’m sorry I’m on my period.
I’m sorry I cried when I was upset.
I’m sorry my house is messy.
I’m sorry I’m not wearing makeup.
I’m sorry my appearance is disheveled.
I’m sorry I sweat when I run.
I’m sorry I don’t smell fresh after the gym.
I’m sorry I have morning breath.
 I’m sorry I needed you to repeat yourself.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorryyyy….

I’m so tired of being sorry.
I’m tired of needing to insert apologies for my existence.
And I’m done.

I can’t apologize for the all the words that sometimes need to leave my lips.
I can’t apologize for my feelings.
I’m sorry if you need me to.
But actually….I’m not.


I’m not sorry anymore.
I’m not sorry I fell in love with you, any more than I’m sorry I still am.
I’m not sorry for the days I found myself through you.
I’m not sorry for the tears I shed, waiting to hear back from you.
I’m not sorry for the way I felt or the words I used to describe it.

I’m not sorry we broke up or where we both are now.
I’m not sorry that I miss you or even that you know that.

I’m just simply NOT SORRY.

The world has taught me to apologize; to cater to what men want/need and to alter myself to fit that form. I’m not sorry I couldn’t be that.

I’m not sorry for meeting you, falling for you, spending  7 months getting to know you…

I have learned that everything happens for a reason.

I found myself within the world you created for me and I’ve opened myself up to bigger, more amazing things.

I’ll never ever be sorry for that.
I’m not sorry we needed different things or needed to grow apart to find our places in the world.
I’m not sorry we had wounds to nurse, because I know we both had the friends and support systems to do that on our own.
I’m not sorry for always letting you know exactly how I felt, even on the days it angered you.

I’m not sorry for the efforts I put in to saving us, even at my weakest, most embarrassing point.
I’m not sorry I’m still heartbroken or that you’re not.

This world is big, and confusing, and awe striking, and wonderful, and messy, and crazy, and brilliant; and we all get to live in it.
So from now on, I’ll do nothing but marvel at the reverie and embrace whatever changes the world gives me to make me grow.
Someday I’ll be better for it.
So thank you.

And….

I’m sorry I’m not sorry anymore.


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