I'm the caseworker that stole your children

I watched you as we left court, and as your tears continually fell, another piece of me shattered.
Although this is the outcome I wanted; this is what I came in and fought for, it’s still a loss.
I still have to be the one that goes to your children and explain to them that they won’t see you anymore.
I have to watch your child scream and cry and feel the confusion of no longer having a “mother”.
I have to spend months watching them unravel, missing you, asking their caregiver questions that they may not have the answers to.

And I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for the days when I didn’t fight for you.
I’m sorry for the times when I was too tired to call you back.
I’m sorry for the weeks when I was too stressed to explain things to you.
I’m sorry that I ever made you think I didn’t care.

I’m sorry when I grew impatient with you and cut you off while you spoke.
I’m sorry for the days when the overwhelming-ness of my job made me difficult to talk to.
I’m sorry for the times when you felt like you couldn’t talk to me.

There were days when I went home thinking about you, crying for your kids, wishing there was another way. Wishing I could change how you grew up. Wishing there was some way to break the cycle that started with your parents.
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t.

I’m sorry for all the times I broke your heart and moved your kids to a different home.
But every time I did, I sat with them, held them, showed them to be brave.
I cried when they cried, smiled when they smiled, and I truly loved them.

I’m sorry I took those moments away from you.
I’m sorry I couldn’t save you…

This job is so messy and it’s easy to get caught up in the drama and chaos.
And I’m sorry that I didn’t show you what a great caseworker can really be.
I have been spit on, cussed at, tripped, pushed, threatened, and I’ve spent many nights crying, wondering if I’m ever going to do good.

And today. Today I failed you.
Even though I came in against you.
Even though at court I essentially “won”.
It was the biggest loss a social worker could feel.

I’m the caseworker that stole your children,
and I’m sorry.

Just know that the only thing I ever tried to do, was fight for a good life for those kids.
Those kids are what get me to work every day.
They’re what bring me smiles that make the bad days bearable.
They’re the ones who teach me resilience and strength as they bravely leave their mother behind and embrace new families.
They’re the ones who remind me that this job is still worth doing, even when there are mothers who can’t be saved.

They are everything.

And I hope one day you see it.
I hope you understand that this isn’t personal.
I hope deep down in your heart you know that I do care about you.
And I hope that this changes your life for the better, because it has changed me in ways I can’t even describe.

And I’m sorry I ever put that hurt on your face or caused those tears.
I couldn’t save you, but I chose to save them…