I wasn't prepared to fall in love. It was just dinner.

Whoever chose the wording for the end of a relationship is a straight up genius.
A “break up”.
It makes perfect sense.
I have never felt so broken in my life…

Dating is one of those things that is too confusing to really master.
I’d like to say there is no handbook, but we all know there are hundreds of books, movies, blogs, magazines, songs, and podcasts that pave the way for navigating intimate partnerships.

But even with all that.
Even with the millions of words of advice that are heeded, we still manage to mess things up.

I fell in love this year.
Hard.

I didn’t see it coming.
Not even for a second.
I swore it wasn’t going to happen.
I ignored him.
All while this friendship was forming, I was carrying on like normal.
No interest.
No end goals.
 He’s simply just a guy.

But all of a sudden he wasn’t just a guy.
He was the guy.

Things changed quicker than I could exhale a breath.
I was in the middle, before I saw it all begin.

And that’s how fast love happens.
It doesn’t politely knock on your door, or mail itself to you in an envelope, waiting to be opened.
It just storms through your life and steals you.
Suddenly every email exchanged, every text, every phone call, means the world to you.
You save every single thing you get.
The butterflies are endless.

And you can’t even remember how to breathe around them.
They take up so much space in your life, even your oxygen is shared.

And it’s the most amazing thing that could ever happen.
It’s calming.
It’s exciting.
It’s life changing.

But then the world shifts.
Circumstances change.
Jobs become more difficult.
Life becomes more difficult.
The distance begins to swallow you.
Insecurity sets in.
And you start to destroy the very thing you weren’t prepared for in the first place.

This thing that was so beautiful and exciting is now the very thing that is killing you from the inside out.
You’re shattered.
Devastated.
Confused.
Jumping to 1,004 conclusions.
And you both need different things.
Things you can’t give each other.
Not at the moment.
Maybe not at all.

And it hurts.
It hurts so damn bad.

And you are absolutely, 100% broken.

What amazes me is how capable you are of being hurtful.
How quickly you become angry and say terrible things.
How easy it is to destroy someone you would have done anything for.

It hurts me to know that I am capable of such harm.
That I have said and done things that have caused someone else pain, without taking two seconds to even think about the impact it all might have later.
And I sit and sulk in the pain this person has given me in exchange, wondering why life had to shift, being angry at my own struggles and work as well as his.

I want to scream a million curse words.
I want to punch walls and rip up his letters.
But I don’t…

I savor them.
I put them in a box.
I quietly remove pictures from picture frames and lay them on top of the letters I have read a hundred times.
I stare at the ticket stubs from our movie date.
I run my fingers over the first card he ever gave me.
And I smile.

Heartbreaks break you.
They leave you a mess of emotions.
They give you days where you literally don’t want to get out of bed.
They make you cry more tears than you thought you were capable of doing.

But they also teach you.
You learn your own faults.
You look at the mess you have created and the person that you hurt and you make a promise not to do that anymore.
You look at the broken man you have made, and you vow not to break another.
You apologize to him and to yourself.
You make amends.
And you grow from this.
Because this was absolutely everything.
He was everything.

I hate the idea that I will be in love with him forever.
And I hate the idea that he will love and care about me forever.
And I hate that we somehow have to live our lives, separately, knowing all of this.

But sometimes love isn’t enough.
Sometimes we aren’t enough.

Maybe it’s timing.
Maybe it’s distance.
Or maybe we’re simply not meant to meet each other’s needs.

I don’t know if any of that will change.
If maybe one day things will line up and we’ll find our way back to one another, or if this is simply all we are meant to have.


But what I do know is that every single relationship means something.

It hurts to break up with someone.
It hurts to lose someone you cared about so deeply.

But knowing that you’re capable of caring.
Knowing that someone loved you and that you loved someone is more than enough.

I remember being in college and sitting with my roommate as she cried over her breakup and I felt lost on what to tell her, how to comfort her.
I hated that she hurt so much and I wanted to kill her ex boyfriend for putting her through that.

But now I just think about how much she gained from that relationship.
What it taught her and who it made her.
It was hurtful and exhausting, but now she is in a relationship that is absolutely amazing and she is a better woman through it.

Falling in love is exciting and wonderful and up until this point, I hadn’t really experienced it.
I have never cared this deeply about someone I’ve dated.
I never gave that much to someone or opened up in this way.
Love came like a thief in the night, and although the relationship left, that love didn't...

And while it hurts, and I’m still crying quite a bit, I am nothing but grateful.
There are definitely days where I want to call him and rehash things and try to reverse our breakup, but I know that (at least right now) this is what we both need.

We learned a lot from one another.
We experienced some amazing moments and have so much to smile about.
And THAT is what we should look for in a breakup.

It can be so hard not be angry and hate the other person.
It can be so confusing and so soul crushing and there can be so many mean words exchanged back and forth, but in the end, you have to find peace.

Relationships make you better for the next one that comes along.
Or maybe it makes you better for a day when you can come back and try again.
Either way, everything means something.
Love is beautiful and amazing and terrifying, but at least now you know how it feels.
So when it comes along again, you won’t be startled, rather pleasantly surprised.

Until then….

Love yourself.
Forgive yourself.
Forgive the other person.
Be thankful for every breakup.
Let your heart mend.

And welcome love when it decides to show up again.