He's mean to me because he likes me

Every 2 minutes another American is sexually assaulted. That means in the time it takes to brush my teeth and wash my face, at least 2 people have been victimized…

All new students at SIU have to complete an online course on consent and respect, in regards to sexual assault. I narrowly escaped this seminar last semester, but not this semester. I was frustrated and annoyed as the reminders kept popping up, letting me know I was not in compliance with the University and that the deadline was October 31^st. So to prevent further issue, today I dedicated an hour of my day to complete the training.

As I’m sitting here, thinking about how pointless it is for me to do this training, reading about sexual assault and what true consent really means, I realized that while I, personally, don’t need this training, some people really do. I’m reading about the statistics of on campus rapes and reporting incidents and what that means, and I’m thinking about all the people I know personally, who have been raped or assaulted. I’m thinking about my own personal experiences with consent or lack there of. I’m thinking about the countless times I hear jokes about rape or victim shaming. I’m thinking about the number of times I hear jokes, objectifying the opposite sex. I’m sitting here, taking a training on something that seems like a no brainer, and yet it isn’t.

By the second month of the semester at SIUC, there was already a rape reported on campus. Immediately, students were notified through an email of the incident, and it stated that alcohol was involved. I feel like that statement makes people take it less seriously, like the victim was asking for it. We have this way of taking something so awful, and turning it around to be the victim’s fault. As if guys were never taught better. 

Society, as a whole, makes excuses for male behavior on a regular basis. I remember when I was a kid and the boy down the street used to pick on me, constantly. He was my friend and he could be very hurtful at times, and I remember my great-grandmother repeatedly telling me how much he liked me and that boys only pick on girls when they like them. It amazes me that we are still telling girls this and still allowing boys to show their likeness for them in this way. That we have just accepted that this is normal and we continue to teach young boys that they may show their dominance and affection, through being hurtful. It’s the game that never changed. 

Girls often grow up with a much lower self-worth than boys. Self-esteems are greatly impacted at the beginning of puberty and can set the stage for how a girl will feel after adolescence. Lower self-esteems are often associated with a higher risk of victimization, whether or not alcohol is ever involved.

Correcting this issue has many layers, but first let’s look at the problem.

What is Sexual Assault?|

As defined by the Illinois Criminal Code:
A person commits criminal sexual assault if that person commits an act of sexual penetration and:

Uses force or threat of force

Knows that the victim is unable to understand the nature of the act or is unable to give knowing consent;

Is a family member of the victim, and the victim is under 18 years of age; or

Is 17 years of age or over and holds a position of trust, authority or supervision in relation to the victim, and the victim is at least 13 years of age but under 18.

In a recent study, 87% of male college students reported they had no history of sexual aggression.

In another study, only 2.5% of college men reported committing sexual assault.
19% of college women in the study had experienced sexual assault, suggesting that men who commit sexual assault repeat this offensive behavior.

Most college men choose to have sex with consent and do not force or coerce sex from their partners. So, when it comes to sexual violence, since most men are not perpetrators, what is their role? Or what can it be?

1 in 5 undergraduate women have been sexually assaulted or someone attempted to assault them.

1 in 20 men and women have experienced some form of sexual assault.

10% of all sexual assault victims are men.

Nearly 50% of bisexual women have been raped in their lifetime.

1 in 3 gay men have been sexually assaulted.

1 in 10 straight men have been sexually assaulted.

1 in 5 women (18.3%) have reported being raped.

1 in 71 men (1.4%) have reported being raped.

42.2% of female rape survivors were first raped before age 18

27.8% of male rape survivors were raped before the age of 10.

Survivors of sexual assault are 6X more likely to suffer from PTSD.

Survivors of sexual assault are 3X more likely to suffer from depression.

Survivors of sexual assault are 13X more likely to abuse alcohol and 26X more likely to abuse drugs.

Survivors of sexual assault are 4X more likely to contemplate suicide.

30% of college women exposed to unwanted sexual experiences develop PTSD. 

Sexual Misconduct as defined by Illinois State University Code of Student Conduct:

Under the Illinois State University Code of Student Conduct Sexual Misconduct is defined as engaging in any act that is sexual in nature and which is committed without the full and informed consent of all persons involved. Examples of sexual behaviors include, but are not limited to: any penetration of the mouth, vagina, or anus with any body part or other object; contact with a person’s breasts, buttocks, groin, or genitals; touching another person with one’s own breasts, buttocks, groin, or genitals; any other intentional bodily contact of a sexual nature, or; exposing one’s intimate body parts to another person or persons.

The issue is, we know what sexual violence is, we know it’s a problem, but who really intervenes?

Half of sexual assaults occur when alcohol or substances are being used, and nearly all assaults occur to females in their early twenties. Typically, during college years.

I, personally, have found my own friends being unsafe when out partying. I have driven to pick someone up from an alley at 4 in the morning, where she was left alone after a friend went home with some guy. I have cried with a friend as she recounted an incident of rape by a close friend. I have witnessed stories being told in my classes as other feminists recount the horrors that have overtaken their bodies, as men have used them for their own pleasure.

It’s awful and it’s repetitive and I have way too many examples to prove that sexual assault is a problem, and while it’s annoying that I have to take a course on consent and reporting incidents, it clearly is a necessary part of life because there are still men out there who don’t consider what they’re doing to be wrong and there are still people out there who victim-shame, looking at a girl’s outfit or how much she had to drink, making excuses for what happened to her. There are people out there who wouldn’t even consider rape to ever be a thing that could happen to a man, since men love sex so much. And there will continue to be quiet bystanders who watch someone drink more than their limit and go home with someone they didn’t intend to. There will continue to be people who don’t intervene in a shady situation, simply because the people involved happen to be friends and it seems okay.

We lose our voices because we don’t want to be involved. We repeatedly listen to sexist jokes and degrading comments being passed around about the opposite sex, and never stand-up for the kind of reality it leaves us with. We never question the misogyny and the empowerment we give men by allowing them to speak this way.

If a guy has a crush on you, he shouldn’t be a jerk about it, and we need to stop accepting this.
We need to stop teaching little girls that the boy who bullies her, is only doing so because he has a crush on her.
If a guy asks a girl out and she says no, that’s not code for “try harder”. Women shouldn’t have to come up with 20 excuses for why they don’t want to go out. NO is the only answer needed. I can’t even count the number of times I have had to make up an excuse about having a boyfriend, or giving someone the wrong phone number to appease them. It’s stupid and unnecessary and quite frankly, it’s dangerous.

Guys:
If a girl says no to sex, it’s no.
If a girl doesn’t say yes to sex, it’s no.
If a girl doesn’t respond or speak while trying to have sex, it’s no.
If a girl is sick or unconscious, it’s no.
If a girl is saying no, it’s no.
If a girl doesn’t look into it, it’s no.
If a girl is scared or her body language is off-putting, it’s no.

An enthusiastic, coherent, sober YES, is the only thing that will ever mean yes.

It’s called consent.