Not Ex-Boyfriends...Ex-Almosts..

If I had to choose a word that I hate the most, it wouldn’t be “sorry” or “moist”.
 It wouldn’t even be hate.
It would be…
almost.

While “sorry” and “hate” fill us with sadness and while “moist” is mostly just gross, “almost” is the disconnect between us and success.

It’s a word that describes coming just close enough to something beautiful, before falling short.

I have always been extremely independent, partly due to being a feminist, but also because I was raised to take care of myself.
I’ve never once wanted to be taken care of and the idea has always seemed silly.
This has been a slight challenge as I’ve gotten older.

I have spent a good two years swimming in the rough waters of what is today’s dating world and I can’t say I’m getting any better at it.

What I’ve realized about relationships is that I’ve never wanted it to be about labels or following a timeline.
I have never relished in taking selfies with a guy to broadcast on social media or updating a relationship status to show the world I’m wanted.

What I have wanted in dating is a quiet friendship.
One that just happens and makes dating feel like hanging out with a good pal.
I’ve never been one to jump into the physical stuff; making out on first dates or sleeping with someone in the first month (not that there’s anything wrong with those things—it’s just not my style).

The part that I like are the long talks and the feelings you start to get as you strip away someone’s exterior while you get to know them.
I relish in the talking.
I live inside the moments of vulnerability and potentiality of someone new.
I even love the uncertainty a bit.
 I marvel in the idea that I don’t know what’s going to happen or where we’re going to be.

In the last 2 years, I’ve had a series of these “potentials”.
It’s situations where you talk to someone for a long time, sometimes months, exclusively.
You dive into their life and strip yourself bare for them, stuffing your secrets into their pockets like open candy wrappers.
Sometimes there are dates and other times there are just words exchanged.
Words that leave you breathless and hopeful for the future.
The same words that make you lose yourself in the reverie.

But not every “potential” partner finds his way to a stable place in my life.
Sometimes feelings or circumstances change or things fizzle out.
Sometimes what was once headed for a stable future, falls apart into a sea of confusion.

But what even broke?
They were not just friends but they were also not boyfriends.
They were so much more than a friendship, but less than a relationship.
They were flirtationships with potential.
The epic almosts of my life.

And that’s just it.
I have spent so much time trying to explain the hurt and heartache of dating, without being able to explain that they weren’t ex-boyfriends or just friends.
Not all of them were people I just went out with once or twice.
It was more than that.
Different than that.
I have many friends who have looked to explain this very same thing and we have always come up short, but here it is…

They were almosts.
Some meant nearly nothing while others had an intense grip on my heart.
Some I am very glad to have cut off before almost became more, while others I am sad to have just gotten to the brink of something amazing before it faltered.

And maybe we’re doing it wrong.
Maybe my friends and I are taking the wrong perspective…
 but some days I like having “almosts”.

I don’t know if we’re ready for the serious contenders.
I don’t know if we’re ready to have someone else on our Christmas card or a proposal.

Right now, almost is okay.
I can live with almost.
I can live with potentiality.
I can live with being on the brink of something amazing and learning to just be hopeful.
Maybe almost isn’t the word I hate.
Maybe what I hate…
is permanent.