The Lessons of Heartbreak
Singlehood is a life I’m well equipped to handle. I spend my
nights wearing over-sized sweaters, drinking hot tea, getting lost in the lives
of many book characters, and while I may fall hopelessly in love with each turn
of a page, reality soon sets in when the book is done.
I’m at the age where my friends are getting married and having children and my mailbox is flooded with baby shower and wedding invitations, not to mention all the smiling couples on Christmas cards.
I don’t typically dwell on this as a form of sadness, because I am absolutely happy to have so many amazing friends who have found happiness and have started families.
I, however, am one of those lone ranger people begging her friends not to bail on New Year’s.
Thankfully, I do have a few single girl friends to share these struggles with, as well as a couple of guy friends.
As we get older and grow more impatient with the way our lives have outlined, I find myself in the midst of many heartbreaks, whether it be my own, or one of the countless heart shatterings of my friends’. Always those 3am texts after a bad night, asking if I’m awake, dragging me out to bar after bar on a weekend, or begging me to go on a double date just so they don’t have to face the dating world alone.
This is what my 20’s have been reduced to.
I keep thinking there will come a day when I no longer loathe the pattern we’ve fallen into and will meet a guy who will change the game, but so far- they’re all duds.
As I repeatedly nurse the broken hearts of my friends, I grow more and more confused about what it is we’re actually looking for.
Though I, too, was fooled into thinking I’d actually figured it out and found it, ending in my own version of heartbreak.
Thus, the never ending cycle.
The hardest part about dating is the struggle to figure out just what you’re looking for. It’s basically one big game of trial and error, countless dates of “Nope, he’s definitely not it.” And “God THAT is NOT my type.”
I have turned into a walking cliché, like one of those really bad lifetime movies where the woman is single forever and goes on dozens of horrible dates, turning herself into a spinster until the fates align and bring her the perfect guy.
Only, this isn’t some cheesy made for tv movie, this is real life, and in REAL LIFE, guys don’t fall from the sky and sweep us off our feet. I’ve never spilled my coffee on a guy at a coffee shop, or held the elevator for a desperate patron. Those “cute meets” are for Hollywood.
In reality, I get a series of online dating mishaps, a few double date disasters, one charming cheater, and a heaping pile of heartache.
I spend my Saturday nights in giant sweat pants and a tub of Ben & Jerry’s, completely avoiding the way of my youth.
My friends continually call me, asking for advice on their relationships, and I force out the most audible and logical response that I have, before returning to my Netflix marathon of crime shows, completely determined to solve the next mystery.
But thank GOD for girl friends! I never have to eat my Ben & Jerry’s alone or cry in solidarity. And no judgments from the peanut gallery, because we’ve all been there. Crushed by our own emotions, getting too attached to situations and people, we curl in on ourselves as we try to avoid all emotion. But, being female, that will never happen. Nor will we really understand what the heck we’re feeling or why we’re feeling it. It’s just the simple fact that we’re feeling that kills us the most.
Heck, even scientific studies have shown that during periods of heartache your brain simulates actual physical pain around your heart. I would say this is bogus, if I haven’t had one of those experiences where your chest gets tight and your body grows weak and you’re so damn sad that you can’t even pick yourself up off your floor. *sigh* Boys….
The thing about break ups though is that they’re horrifically and terrifyingly necessary. I’ve picked so many friends up off the floor, watched them drink away sorrows, buried ourselves in tubs of ice cream, and have gone on various shopping sprees in hopes of reviving those dead hearts.
But the only thing that ever helps is time.
Distractions are merely to get you through the day.
What I’ve come to realize about relationships and dating is that it’s not necessarily the person that we miss, it’s who we got to be with them. Somewhere past the point of opening up and becoming truly vulnerable to that person, they begin to understand us in ways we don’t even fully comprehend. The warmth we feel just in knowing that they aren’t judging us and they truly get it is what makes it ten times harder to walk away. This loss is suffered through dead friendships as well.
We rely on familiarity of other people and the time we put into them, convincing ourselves that they’re the only person who gets it, they’re the only one who truly understands who we are. What we forget is, that if we gave someone else that chance, they could prove to us the exact same thing.
But somehow we get stuck on it, and we don’t want to feel like we wasted so much time and vulnerability. Fear rocks through us as we realize that this person that we once cared about and who held us close, is now walking around with all our secrets in their pockets. That is the worst part of it all and why we hang on so tight.
Knowing us is a special thing that not everyone gets to be a part of, and it feels like a waste if a stranger is holding all that knowledge. It’s hurtful in ways that can’t be explained into words.
We grow to believe it wasn’t real, convincing ourselves we imagined it. Like a perfectly crafted story that we built up and delusioned into a fantasy. Because it’s easier to believe this, than to believe that love exists AND that it can be lost.
Love is a tricky thing. Without ever fully experiencing it, we have to have faith that it exists. But as humans, we want tangible knowledge of everything. We want love to be something we can reach out and touch. Like if it were the ocean, we could reach into the water and feel the waves crash against us. We know it's there, but never truly understand its depth and what all it carries. And no matter how many times the shore sends it away, the waves will always come back to kiss the sand.
That’s what we think love should be. Something that’s always there and never ends, even when we don’t truly know or understand its depth.
But through time, love changes, as people change.
We grow and mature into different people and love grows and changes too. Love matures and finds new ways to hold onto us, but not every relationship is meant to carry that love forever.
We quickly lose ourselves in emotions through hand holding and kisses goodbye, and rely on physical touch to carry us emotionally, and at the loss of a good relationship, it’s the lack of touch that effects us the most.
I’ve watched my friends cry oceans of tears, which have joined my own at times, as we try to understand what makes us “not good enough” for a man. We go through carton after carton of Ben & Jerry’s and pray to God that a good man will find us sooner rather than later, but we’re selfishly ignoring the lessons provided for us.
Every man that is placed in our path gives us an opportunity to grow and change into the woman a good man deserves. We’re constantly being molded and built into better human beings.
Some men cripple us emotionally as we learn to find our strength, but it’s taking those lessons and learning to aim for something different. Our expectations for men should be going up, just as we’re growing and changing into better people.
As my friends and I pass more birthdays, everyone grows weary of being “alone” and the holidays only make that fear stronger, but even after days of uncontrollable sobbing, gaining five pounds of ice cream, and screaming expletives at the radio when his song comes on, we’re better for it.
I confidently say, we will not be spinsters.
We’re not destined to be single and it’s not that we’re not “good enough”.
It’s that we’re learning important life lessons. We’re learning how to hold our own. We’re learning that you’ve gotta kiss a few frogs before you get to that prince, and yes- we’re learning that some guys really ARE jerks.
But we’re also learning that more than one person can understand us if we give them a chance. And we’re learning that some men do appreciate our passions and hobbies and will push us to go into them further.
We’re learning that we don’t need to aim for marriage and children right now, and that maybe we just want someone to go to the grocery store with as he laughs at the items we buy.
And for the love of God friends, LAUGH about those horrible dates!!
I cannot even begin to count the number of dinners I’ve had with friends where we just talk about bad date encounters. Between my gal pals and I, we could write a very fascinating “bad date” book.
We all have blunders and heart breaks that make us slowly lose faith in humanity, but it’s taking those moments and people, and learning from them. Making those moments in our lives count, and being able to look back and smile at the memories.
I’ve gotten to a point with several of my girl friends where we laugh about the awful men we’ve dated and the terrible things they did to us. I remember going over some things that happened to me, along with another friend, and this girl just stared at us, horrified. She didn’t understand how we were so okay with all that had happened. We just smiled and said it was a lesson. Because it was. Sometimes guys suck. And sometimes girls suck. And sometimes people just really really suck.
But that doesn’t mean all men are bad or all women are crazy and all relationships should be avoided.
Go out on some dates. Stock up on ice cream and Kleenex, keep a girl friend on speed-dial, and put yourself out there.
You’ll only regret what you don’t do. Everything else is teaching you something valuable.
EVEN the men you now regret going out with….
I’m at the age where my friends are getting married and having children and my mailbox is flooded with baby shower and wedding invitations, not to mention all the smiling couples on Christmas cards.
I don’t typically dwell on this as a form of sadness, because I am absolutely happy to have so many amazing friends who have found happiness and have started families.
I, however, am one of those lone ranger people begging her friends not to bail on New Year’s.
Thankfully, I do have a few single girl friends to share these struggles with, as well as a couple of guy friends.
As we get older and grow more impatient with the way our lives have outlined, I find myself in the midst of many heartbreaks, whether it be my own, or one of the countless heart shatterings of my friends’. Always those 3am texts after a bad night, asking if I’m awake, dragging me out to bar after bar on a weekend, or begging me to go on a double date just so they don’t have to face the dating world alone.
This is what my 20’s have been reduced to.
I keep thinking there will come a day when I no longer loathe the pattern we’ve fallen into and will meet a guy who will change the game, but so far- they’re all duds.
As I repeatedly nurse the broken hearts of my friends, I grow more and more confused about what it is we’re actually looking for.
Though I, too, was fooled into thinking I’d actually figured it out and found it, ending in my own version of heartbreak.
Thus, the never ending cycle.
The hardest part about dating is the struggle to figure out just what you’re looking for. It’s basically one big game of trial and error, countless dates of “Nope, he’s definitely not it.” And “God THAT is NOT my type.”
I have turned into a walking cliché, like one of those really bad lifetime movies where the woman is single forever and goes on dozens of horrible dates, turning herself into a spinster until the fates align and bring her the perfect guy.
Only, this isn’t some cheesy made for tv movie, this is real life, and in REAL LIFE, guys don’t fall from the sky and sweep us off our feet. I’ve never spilled my coffee on a guy at a coffee shop, or held the elevator for a desperate patron. Those “cute meets” are for Hollywood.
In reality, I get a series of online dating mishaps, a few double date disasters, one charming cheater, and a heaping pile of heartache.
I spend my Saturday nights in giant sweat pants and a tub of Ben & Jerry’s, completely avoiding the way of my youth.
My friends continually call me, asking for advice on their relationships, and I force out the most audible and logical response that I have, before returning to my Netflix marathon of crime shows, completely determined to solve the next mystery.
But thank GOD for girl friends! I never have to eat my Ben & Jerry’s alone or cry in solidarity. And no judgments from the peanut gallery, because we’ve all been there. Crushed by our own emotions, getting too attached to situations and people, we curl in on ourselves as we try to avoid all emotion. But, being female, that will never happen. Nor will we really understand what the heck we’re feeling or why we’re feeling it. It’s just the simple fact that we’re feeling that kills us the most.
Heck, even scientific studies have shown that during periods of heartache your brain simulates actual physical pain around your heart. I would say this is bogus, if I haven’t had one of those experiences where your chest gets tight and your body grows weak and you’re so damn sad that you can’t even pick yourself up off your floor. *sigh* Boys….
The thing about break ups though is that they’re horrifically and terrifyingly necessary. I’ve picked so many friends up off the floor, watched them drink away sorrows, buried ourselves in tubs of ice cream, and have gone on various shopping sprees in hopes of reviving those dead hearts.
But the only thing that ever helps is time.
Distractions are merely to get you through the day.
What I’ve come to realize about relationships and dating is that it’s not necessarily the person that we miss, it’s who we got to be with them. Somewhere past the point of opening up and becoming truly vulnerable to that person, they begin to understand us in ways we don’t even fully comprehend. The warmth we feel just in knowing that they aren’t judging us and they truly get it is what makes it ten times harder to walk away. This loss is suffered through dead friendships as well.
We rely on familiarity of other people and the time we put into them, convincing ourselves that they’re the only person who gets it, they’re the only one who truly understands who we are. What we forget is, that if we gave someone else that chance, they could prove to us the exact same thing.
But somehow we get stuck on it, and we don’t want to feel like we wasted so much time and vulnerability. Fear rocks through us as we realize that this person that we once cared about and who held us close, is now walking around with all our secrets in their pockets. That is the worst part of it all and why we hang on so tight.
Knowing us is a special thing that not everyone gets to be a part of, and it feels like a waste if a stranger is holding all that knowledge. It’s hurtful in ways that can’t be explained into words.
We grow to believe it wasn’t real, convincing ourselves we imagined it. Like a perfectly crafted story that we built up and delusioned into a fantasy. Because it’s easier to believe this, than to believe that love exists AND that it can be lost.
Love is a tricky thing. Without ever fully experiencing it, we have to have faith that it exists. But as humans, we want tangible knowledge of everything. We want love to be something we can reach out and touch. Like if it were the ocean, we could reach into the water and feel the waves crash against us. We know it's there, but never truly understand its depth and what all it carries. And no matter how many times the shore sends it away, the waves will always come back to kiss the sand.
That’s what we think love should be. Something that’s always there and never ends, even when we don’t truly know or understand its depth.
But through time, love changes, as people change.
We grow and mature into different people and love grows and changes too. Love matures and finds new ways to hold onto us, but not every relationship is meant to carry that love forever.
We quickly lose ourselves in emotions through hand holding and kisses goodbye, and rely on physical touch to carry us emotionally, and at the loss of a good relationship, it’s the lack of touch that effects us the most.
I’ve watched my friends cry oceans of tears, which have joined my own at times, as we try to understand what makes us “not good enough” for a man. We go through carton after carton of Ben & Jerry’s and pray to God that a good man will find us sooner rather than later, but we’re selfishly ignoring the lessons provided for us.
Every man that is placed in our path gives us an opportunity to grow and change into the woman a good man deserves. We’re constantly being molded and built into better human beings.
Some men cripple us emotionally as we learn to find our strength, but it’s taking those lessons and learning to aim for something different. Our expectations for men should be going up, just as we’re growing and changing into better people.
As my friends and I pass more birthdays, everyone grows weary of being “alone” and the holidays only make that fear stronger, but even after days of uncontrollable sobbing, gaining five pounds of ice cream, and screaming expletives at the radio when his song comes on, we’re better for it.
I confidently say, we will not be spinsters.
We’re not destined to be single and it’s not that we’re not “good enough”.
It’s that we’re learning important life lessons. We’re learning how to hold our own. We’re learning that you’ve gotta kiss a few frogs before you get to that prince, and yes- we’re learning that some guys really ARE jerks.
But we’re also learning that more than one person can understand us if we give them a chance. And we’re learning that some men do appreciate our passions and hobbies and will push us to go into them further.
We’re learning that we don’t need to aim for marriage and children right now, and that maybe we just want someone to go to the grocery store with as he laughs at the items we buy.
And for the love of God friends, LAUGH about those horrible dates!!
I cannot even begin to count the number of dinners I’ve had with friends where we just talk about bad date encounters. Between my gal pals and I, we could write a very fascinating “bad date” book.
We all have blunders and heart breaks that make us slowly lose faith in humanity, but it’s taking those moments and people, and learning from them. Making those moments in our lives count, and being able to look back and smile at the memories.
I’ve gotten to a point with several of my girl friends where we laugh about the awful men we’ve dated and the terrible things they did to us. I remember going over some things that happened to me, along with another friend, and this girl just stared at us, horrified. She didn’t understand how we were so okay with all that had happened. We just smiled and said it was a lesson. Because it was. Sometimes guys suck. And sometimes girls suck. And sometimes people just really really suck.
But that doesn’t mean all men are bad or all women are crazy and all relationships should be avoided.
Go out on some dates. Stock up on ice cream and Kleenex, keep a girl friend on speed-dial, and put yourself out there.
You’ll only regret what you don’t do. Everything else is teaching you something valuable.
EVEN the men you now regret going out with….
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