When he loves you, what does he see?

Dating.

The sucky, inevitable, and completely necessary act of getting to know your future spouse.

I don't know the exact number of hours we spend trying to get to know someone, but I'm sure it's way too many to ever count.

All the minutes I spend analyzing small "hellos" or the awkward hug of a "goodbye", is enough to completely ruin an entire day.....or week.

We choose the information we tell people.
We allow them inside small cracks of our exteriors, hiding behind walls, tucking ourselves in the safe cocoon of the unknown.

We keep our bad habits and issues to ourselves, hoping our partner won't eventually catch on to all the flaws that make us human.
But they do.
They always do.

The thing is, if I had to lay out what my future husband looked like, I wouldn't focus on his appearance or what career he was in.
I would put my attention on how he views me.
What does he see when he looks at me?
Who does he believe I am?

Whether or not I love someone, won't determine whether or not they truly love me.

First, I need to know what he sees.

If a man were truly in love with me:

• He would know that I am a writer.
• He would recognize that I don't always need his opinion and that I'm going to put way too much detail into every text message I send because I can't stop myself from making every sentence into a paragraph to fit my novels of conversations
• He would know that if I took the time to write out something truthful or my feelings about something-- it's a really big deal
  
• He would know that I'm a classic over-analyzer
• He would recognize that I will inevitably analyze everything and then apologize for it later.....and he won't be mad, but he would make light of it by laughing at my ridiculousness and quietly pointing out when I'm being irrational (I always apologize. Always.)
• He would know that I love kids (even if I'm far from wanting my own right now)
• He would understand that I will always babysit for a half dozen families, and that the kids in my life own my heart.....and sometimes they might just come first (After all, they were there first)
• He would know that I love my job
• He would understand that I may cry or get stressed out, I may be completely frustrated or angry, but at the end of the day- I love my job. I love my kids and I believe in the work that I do, and some days I may just need a little line of encouragement, but I am not quitting.
• He would know that I am a musician
• He would know that music is a huge part of my life, whether I'm playing it, singing it, or writing it, it's a major part of who I am.
• He would learn to love my bizarre taste in music and open my ears to even more beautiful sounds, and he will appreciate everything I love in music and all that I look for.
•  He would know that I am a poet
• He would know that I am obsessed with spoken word poetry and fall in love with the rawness of the truth in poetry
• He would understand that what I write isn't always beautiful and it's not for other people. It's simply for me.
•  He would know that I am a comedian
• ......not always on purpose
• He would know that I am quirky and awkward and he will dance in the humor I provide, never judging me or believing I am being "immature". Instead, he would join in and give me something to laugh about
•  He would know that I will always be a counselor
• He would know that I am often the one my friends turn to for advice, and I take it very seriously. I spend a lot of time trying to find answers for other people's problems, wanting nothing but the best for the people I love.
• He would not be frustrated by my compassion, but offer his own advice or lend me his ear when I need to vent
•  He would know I am a feminist
• How could he not know? 
• He would listen to my rants, join in when he agrees, caution me when he disagrees, and he will respect me and my decisions.
• He would help me rally when I'm fighting for a new cause, or give me space when he doesn't understand.
• He would never quiet these thoughts
•  He would know that I am an insomniac
• He will know that I have a hyperactive brain and only sleep a little at a time
• He will know that I might text him a bunch while he's sleeping, because I'm awake and bored, but I won't be mad if he doesn't text back
• He will know that sometimes my sleep deprivation makes me crabby and I get emotional over nothing.......he won't be mad, but rather he will be understanding
•  He would know that I'm a female
• .......and females are emotional
• He would understand that 90% of the time, I don't know why I'm upset
• He would avoid me when I'm being absurd
• He would offer an ear when I need to rant
• He would not chastise me for being a "girl"
• He would not run away from a few tears.......or a bucket full
•  He would know I am a reader
• He would know that I would often rather stay in and read a good book, than go out somewhere
• He would know that I spend hours getting lost into books and I read the same ones over and over again, because of the way they made me feel
• He would know that I spend an absurd amount of time highlighting and circling my favorite quotes, memorizing them for my own life
• He would know that I have a whole shelf of philosophy books and books on feminism, that have changed the way I think..........and I really hope he will read them (or at least the highlighted sections)

• He would know I am an animal lover
• But not a vegetarian....
• He would know that my dog is my best friend and I will never get rid of him........and I may adopt more pets...

He would know I am imperfect, full of many flaws.
I cry too much, laugh at the wrong things, dress awkward, I'm too fat, I don't have perfect teeth, my hair is always a mess, I sweat too much, I have huge feet, I have a horribly high-pitch sneeze, I scare easily, I talk fast when I'm nervous, I get quiet when I'm sad....

He will know I am human and while I'm not wholly lovable, he'll love me anyway.
Because even with my flaws and my quirks, he notices everything on his own; the good and the bad, without me saying a word.

How a man views you without your own words of influence, is more accurate to who you are.
And if he really sees you, without your own crafted profile, highlighting your best qualities, it gives him a chance to really love you, for you.

 So you can wake up and be yourself, unapologetically.

So maybe dating is harder than we thought......or maybe we're just doing it wrong.
But at the end of the day, your spouse or partner, should be your best friend.
They're the person that should know you the best and will learn to be there at your worst.

And they will learn to love you like you've come to love yourself. 

Unconditionally and always accepting.