I am a Bully

Well here it is.
It's that time of year again, when we realize that our New Year's Resolution was, yet again, a joke and we are forced to cram our bodies into something that should be considered "under garments", to enjoy the wonderful world of water.

I always hate this time of year.
I hate being hot.
I hate sweating.
I hate my allergies.
And I HATE swimming suits.

How are they even considered "suits"?
They barely cover ANYTHING!!

Every year I try to find a new swimsuit to outdo last year's, thinking maybe this will be my year.
Maybe this is the year I will look great!
Maybe this year, other girls won't judge me.
Maybe this year, guys won't stare at my chest.
Maybe this year, I can find something more flattering.
Maybe this year, my body won't suck.
Maybe....

Lies. All of it.

I have the unfortunate problem of being both short and busty.
I am fabulously disproportionate, therefore nothing fits.
At all.
And I hate things that are revealing--which is next to impossible with being as busty as I am.
I've always wanted a cute vintage one-piece.
Unfortunately, my bust is FAR bigger than my waste, so anything I get has to be special ordered and costs about $200.
I always say I'm just going to bite the bullet and get what I want, but I always end up getting a simple tankini that shows too much cleavage, so I swim with a shirt.
Every. Year.
Personally, I'd rather stab myself in the eye 5 times, than shop for a bathing suit.

Recently, I've been taking a Mind and Body yoga class and on the first day we were supposed to write out 5 things that we appreciated about our bodies.
I sat for 10 minutes and watched other people scribble things down and I literally drew a blank.
I could only come up with the things I hated.

The instructor looked at me and said, "I'll bet you never thought you were a bully, until you tried to describe yourself."

OUCH.

That could not have hurt more if she threw bricks at me.

I have zero appreciation for who I am and what I'm made of.
Not only that, but I truly take for granted my health and physical capabilities.

I have 20/20 vision and can see everything clearly.
What if I were blind and could never see the beauties God has created?

I have perfect hearing.
What if I were deaf and could never hear the human voice, or music, or nature?

I am in good physical health.
I do not have any illnesses.
I am not on medications.
I am strong.

All of these things I forget every day because I am so focused on what I see in myself.
I see a double chin, large bust, a round face, thin hair, freckles, crooked teeth, tired eyes, short legs, wide hips, thick thighs, big feet, fat rolls.....
I hyper focus on the negative, much like most women do.

There is an old Cherokee parable that says,
"There is a battle between two wolves in all of us.
One is Evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, and truth.
And the wolf that always wins, is the one you feed."

Every morning I stare in the mirror, facing my day with nothing but negativity.

Sometimes I get so frustrated when I'm getting dressed.
I want people to pay attention, but I want the right attention.
And it's funny because most people would assume that women dress for men.
But that is completely untrue. Women dress for other women.
We want to be seen as powerful and beautiful.

Unfortunately, no outfit can give us this power and security without confidence.

I have always been drawn to people who walk with confidence and who can appreciate themselves.
We all have things we want to change about ourselves.
That is natural.
What is disappointing is that we often times fail to ever see our glass half full.
We only focus on what we don't have or what we don't like.

There is this beautiful article I found on the Huffington Post the other day of a woman describing how we should see ourselves.
"Women are always being told to change or be different -- lose weight, fight aging, smooth your skin, get rid of cellulite, I mean really, women are such amazing and dynamic creatures can we please change the conversation from this bullsh*t to something with a little more substance?"

(I fully suggest giving this article a read!)
Huffington Post - Change How You See Your Body

In the article, there is this incredible before and after shot of what a mother's body used to be and what it is now.


This image is not offensive, it doesn't disturb me.
In fact, it's kind of beautiful.
Because THAT is what people look like.
Our bodies change over the years, we have children and get stretch marks, we grow, gain weight, get curves. It happens.
And why are we so unsatisified with that?
Why can't we appreciate the changes our bodies have made?

We are not models or we don't look like magazine covers.
Actually, even MODELS don't look like magazine covers.
We can't photoshop ourselves when we're getting ready in the morning.

Sometimes we're going to have break-outs and imperfect skin.
Some of us don't have perfect teeth.
Some of us are bigger.
Some of us are too thin.
Some of us are really tall.
Some of us are really short.
Some of us have thick hair.
Some of us have thin hair.

But we look at it all wrong.
So here's how we should see it and how I am going to try to appreciate myself every day.

I am thankful for my skin.
It covers my bones and makes me whole.
I am thankful I do not have anything wrong with my skin and it does not cause me harm.
I'm thankful for how it looks in the summer and how pale it is in the winter.
I'm thankful that it allows me to feel "touch".

I am thankful for my hands.
I am thankful that I can hold things and manipulate them all on my own.

I am thankful for my eyes.
I am thankful to have great vision and to be able to see and experience the world.
I am thankful for the beautiful blue color and my long eyelashes.

I am thankful for my feet.
I am thankful they can take me where I want to go.
And I have cute toes. (:

I am thankful for my face.
It is who I am and how people recognize me.
I am thankful that people find it beautiful.

I am thankful for my ears.
I am thankful that I can wake up every day hearing new sounds and being able to communicate.

I am thankful for my voice.
I am thankful that it is unique and tells people who I am.

I am thankful for my legs.
I am thankful they are sturdy and can carry me places.

Okay, THIS one is hard...
I am thankful for my breasts.
I am thankful that they make me a woman.
I am thankful that I may one day be a mother.
I am thankful that some people find them attractive. (Cringe....I'm trying to be flattered....I am!)

I am thankful for my hair.
I am thankful that it covers my head.
I am thankful that I can do many different things with it.
I am thankful that it is part of who I am.

I am thankful for my arms.
I am thankful for what they can carry and hold.
I am thankful for being able to wrap them around others and absorb their warmth.

I am thankful for my beating heart.
I'm thankful that I am healthy and strong.

I am thankful for my body.
I am thankful for what it is and what it does.
I am thankful that there is and always be men who find it attractive.
I am thankful that it is who I am.
I am thankful that it is always changing and growing and making me who I am every day.
I am thankful that my soul has a vessel to live in.
I am thankful that I am imperfect.

I appreciate my beauty. (Okay, I'm working on it!)

These are the things we all need to say to ourselves and remind everyone we know to appreciate who they are and stop seeing everything in a negative light.

Don't be your own bully.
Stop feeding the evil wolf.