Break up with me

Breaking up.
That phrase is powerful and painful, all in the same movement.
It symbolizes the end of something, along with the shattering pieces of hearts.
But it can also be a revelation or a fresh start.

A friend of mine just went through another intense break-up.
She was having a hard time dealing and she asked me, why did we break up?

What a loaded question.
There are literally dozens of answers to that question.
You weren't right for each other.
The timing was off.
He didn't do this....you didn't do that.
Blah blah blah.

But the real question here, is "Why do WE break up?"
Why do relationships end?

Relationships are a topic I'm very comfortable attacking.
I give advice again, and again, and again, reassuring people on the decisions they've made.
Break-ups are hard.
Heck, dating is hard!
Regardless of how many times we say that it's not, dating is -IN FACT- a game.

The biggest problem that leads to break-ups and arguments within a relationship, are the scientific differences between men and women.

Women are emotional, multitasking beings that have been taught to read something into EVERYTHING. Women have a natural instinct to hold the blame for things that literally have nothing to do with them.

Men are introverted compartmentalizers (say that 5 times fast!). Meaning, they keep everything separate in their heads. They do not constantly think about their relationship and work and their house and their family issues, at the same time (like women do). They are able to create a divide and focus on one thing at a time, without letting the other things interfere.

Therein lies our biggest issue. Men are keeping feelings inside, women are self-blaming. Men keep silent, to avoid having hard conversations, and women make hundreds of assumptions which only further kill their self-esteem.

There you have it, I've just solved every relationship issue you've ever had.
But don't worry, we're not done!!


Let's start at the beginning....

Love.

Love is a four letter word, its definition often being unclear.
We use the word "love" to describe a whole list of things.
"Love" is the junk drawer of emotions, filled with ideas, thoughts, and warm and fuzzy feelings.
You can say I love tacos or you can say I love summer...........or you can say I love you.

Generally, loving someone is a passive art.
You feel like you've been taken captive by your own emotions.
In this way, love is not an act.
But in relationships, we make love a verb--an action.
We do things for each other out of love, and overlook flaws.
And that's what it should be...right?

Wrong.

Love might drive us to do wild and crazy things,and teach us to let things go,
but overlooking someone's flaws should NOT be one of them.

I know, I know, this is not the direction you thought I'd be heading.
You were hoping I'd say to look beyond how someone acts and look for their inner being
blah blah blah...
But our lives are one giant love story.
And that story begins with ourselves!

We have to stop loving the idea of someone else loving us and actually start loving ourselves.
We don't go into relationships with a hole in our heart that is waiting to be filled.
We should go in as 2 separate pieces who join together.
You are not there to mend one another.
You are 2 contributors to a greater life.
That's it.
Your partner is not there to fix you, nor are you there to make life easier.

This is the piece I think many of us forget.
While it is really amazing to be able to rely on others in times of need,
those people should never become our crutch.
That is what makes break-ups impossible.


First comes love, then comes....

Breaking up.
There comes a point in a relationship when we have to ask ourselves,
"Is this relationship making my life better?"

It is a hard question and many of us have a hard time realizing the answer.

Anytime I am giving a friend advice about their relationship,
I ask them this question.

Typically they will stare at me for a long time as they search my face for their answer. My face always unwaivers. I do not hold that answer.

I will then begin to ask other questions to help push them in that direction.
I will ask a variety of questions.
"Can you see yourself marrying this person?"
"Are you the version of yourself you've always wanted to be?"
"Do they make you feel happy?"
"When you have an argument, what happens?"

These questions seem relatively basic and essential for any relationship,
but they always struggle to get through the answers.
It's never meant as a test, but I can always tell that there's some heavy soul searching.

People never want to face the facts and admit that they need to break up with someone.
Admitting that is like saying, "Yep, I've wasted my time."
You spent all this time bonding with someone, getting to know them, being honest with them, letting them into your life, and making yourself vulnerable.
It's hard to pull back.
I completely understand.
I may have some extra knowledge, but I am definitely not immune to these feelings.

But here's what you have to remember,
not every relationship is built to last.

It failed for a reason.

In college, I had a lab in one of my psychology classes where we studied differences between the male and female gender. My project focused on self-esteem issues and women.
There were 2 other girls in my group and 1 guy, Axel.
Ohhhh poor Axel.

We spent hours in group talking about women and relationships and self-esteem issues.
The guy was quiet for nearly a month!

But after a while, he really began to process everything we were saying.
One day, we were talking about relationships and how I really hadn't dated and didn't see the point, since I didn't have the time to focus on it.
Axel immediately objected.

The guy had been silent the whole time I knew him and the first thing he spoke up about was me not dating! HA! Thanks a lot, kid!

He said everything he'd ever learned about himself, he learned through dating.
He made the point that there is a certain vulnerability you posses when you start a relationship and it changes who you are.
He continued to talk about how having bad relationships taught him how to be a better boyfriend. He'd listen to girls complain and always tried to fix those behaviors in his new relationships. He also commented that dating the wrong people teaches you not only want you want in a relationship, but also what you need and what you look for.

It was at that moment that I couldn't decide if I still wanted to punch him, or just hug him.
He was right. 100%

Dating is trial and error.
Sometimes we get it right, sometimes we don't.
People fall in love and fall right back out.
It's like tripping on a rock. You fall and then you get back up.
The hard part is, determining whether or not THIS love, the one you have right now, is the right one for you.

Loving someone doesn't make them better.
It doesn't change who they are or satisfy your needs.
It's just something you feel.
Love doesn't conquer all.
Love isn't overlooking someone's flaws, but rather accepting them for those flaws.
Love isn't being co-dependent.
It's being 100% independent and loving each other at the same time.
It's wanting to be protected, but also be the protector.


Recognizing the faults in a relationship, is fairly easy.
It's deciding whether or not you're going to continue to live that way,
or to break free and try something else.
It's deciding what version of happy you're hoping to be.

No one is perfect, nor do we expect them to be.
But their flaws can directly impact who we are and how we act.
Someone else's flaws can often determine who we are as a person, based on how we handle those little imperfections our partner brings to the table. And if we're not handling it well today, chances are we won't tomorrow either.

I can't speak for men, but I can for women.
No one wants to be alone.
No one wants to admit they've wasted their time.
No one wants to admit they want to be protected.

We stay in bad relationships because at least we're not by ourselves.
At least when we have a bad day, we have someone to call.

But you know what?
It's not worth it.

If you are afraid of being alone, Greg Behrendt would tell you to get a dog!!

If you need someone to lean on, go find your best friend or your family.

If you want to be protected, buy an alarm system--and again, a dog!

Do not stay in a relationship because you need it.
Stop loving the idea of being loved and start loving yourself.

And say this,

If for some reason, I am the problem, or I'm not making you happy, or you're not the version of yourself you've wanted to be with me, then give up.

Break up with me.

Because you owe me that.
And I owe it to myself.

And just imagine, if you were happy with the wrong one, think of how happy you'll be with the right one.

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