You are calm. You are zen. You are NOT paranoid.....

Paranoia.
An unfounded or exaggerated distrust of others, sometimes reaching delusional proportions. Paranoid individuals constantly suspect the motives of those around them, and believe that certain individuals, or people in general, are "out to get them."

It is no secret that I suffer from paranoia.
In fact, I believe it's something that I tell people on a daily basis.
I suppose it is odd that I am obsessed with horror films and yet am always scared of being murdered.
Kind of contradictory. I watch all these movies and crime shows that just continuously feed into my paranoia.

If you're friends with me, you know that I will not go into my bathroom without checking behind the shower curtain, I will not go to bed without checking underneath it and in the closet, and I will not get in the car without checking the backseat.
These are all normal behaviors and none of you should act is if they're not!!
I call it "being safe". I'd rather check to see if the murderer is there so that I can get the attack over with. I really hate the element of surprise. I'd like to see it coming.
Do you hear that, God? I'd like a little warning, please.
Thank you.

Okay, so now on to the real reason I am discussing my paranoia at such a late hour after a tough work day.
First, I just experienced the best type of yoga that I believe exists.
I was trying out this new thing called "Thai Yoga" which is basically massage therapy that has yoga elements that help stretch your muscles and improve your flexibility. It can be painful in parts, but so rewarding and relaxing.
Tonight, I had my first 2 hour session of the most perfect massage therapy I've ever felt.
I was feeling so zen and relaxed.
I was so cheery and decided to celebrate with a salad from Panera.
So I grabbed my salad and drove home, proud of myself for sticking with a salad and water.
PROGRESS, says the fat girl in tight yoga pants!

I return home and decide that making two trips into the house with all of my stuff would be stupid. I was feeling very hulk-like and decided to grab my work clothes, purse, water bottle, and salad and march up to the door to get my mail. I carefully slid the mail on top of my pile and opened the screen door. I started to put the key in the door and the door pushed open......OH. MY. GOD.

Okay, Alyssa, don't panic. 
You're feeling zen.
 You're calm.
You're relaxed.
Oh God, please don't pee yourself.

Not only was the door handle unlocked, but the deadbolt too, and the door wasn't even latched.
It just pushed open.
And, OF COURSE, I would forget to leave a light on.
God forbid I remember to do one stinking thing!!

This is all a serious issue because I am a nazi about locking doors. I mean a serious NAZI! I lock the doors when I'm home, I lock the doors when I go for a walk around the corner, I lock the doors when I have friends coming over in five minutes....these doors are ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS locked.




I quickly drop my things and look down at my dog who is extremely calm. WAY too calm for a dog that has been left alone for 12 hours. He never acts like this. He always pounces me when I come in and is dying to go outside, but instead, he is completely mellow and just looks at me, as if he'd seen me all day long. As if someone had been with him all day......as if he hadn't been alone...



I quickly run across the room screaming "Hello", as if the burglar is going to say "Hi" back, and turn on the light.

Okay, this is good.
Living room is clear...


I move through the house flipping on all the light switches.

Clear.
This is a good sign..

Finally, I must check the closets...

Okay, Lyss, you can do this.
You're calm.
You're feeling zen.
You're feeling like you could karate chop someone in the throat....

I quickly slam open the closet door and jump back.
Nothing.
I check the other closet.
I then checked under the bed and futon and checked the bathroom.
All clear.
I checked the laundry room and made sure all the lights in the house were on.
My house is lit up like Christmas time and there's not a single soul in sight.

I then begin checking for all of my belongings.
My laptop is still propped up on the kitchen table where I left it and nothing else appears to be missing.

Bullet dodged.

You're overreacting, Alyssa.
Everything is fine.

Finally, after thoroughly checking the house at least 8 times, I call Sarah to give her my "I almost died" moment of the week. She always appreciates my theatrics.

She answers the phone and I immediately scream "Oh my God, I almost peed my pants!", the traditional tell-tale line for "Alyssa, has a story you're going to laugh at".

I quickly inform her of my home issues and that nothing was missing.
Her response?
"Alyssa, murderers and rapists don't want laptops or electronics...."

Oh My GOD!!!!!
They're coming back for me.
They were scoping things out and now they're coming back.
They're probably parked outside, around the corner, waiting for me to get home.
I'm going to die tonight.
It's happening.
The end is near.....

After letting all of these thoughts explode in my head for a minute, I tell Sarah how grateful I am (eye roll), for her helpful words of wisdom. She then interjects with "Are you missing anything?"
"No", I inform her. "My laptop is still on the table, my guitar and piano are here, no jewelry is missing."

Again, Sarah shocks me with her keen ability to keep me calm.
"Umm are you missing any bras or underwear?"

I frantically look down at the laundry basket that is overflowing with clothing in the living room chair.....clothes tossed everywhere...
I don't even know what to look for?
How many bras do I even have??
Underwear??
My thoughts then wander.....what if I have a stalker?
What if he has a shrine of me...
Oh God, are there any pictures missing??
 

I frantically run through the house checking all of my picture frames.....all photos seem to be in place.
I check the bathroom for any missing items.
My hairbrush still sits on the sink, untouched......or was it.

Trying to fight off my paranoia, I called my landlord to see if he stopped by.--He did not.

Paranoia still in play.

Finally,
Sarah sent Mike over to change all my locks--despite how nonchalant and "zen", I was clearly being.

Locks were changed and I was all good to go....until Mike shared one last piece of information.
How about a nice story about a man who used to sneak into a woman's house and hide in her closet to watch her while she was home, before he snuck out again...
Uhhh thank you...

I'm feeling calm.
I am zen.
I am NOT sleeping tonight.....