You have to struggle in order to strive

Sometimes I feel like a mime, trapped in some invisible box that I can’t seem to get out of. I try to scream for help, but there is no sound. The only sound that comes is the sound of a tree falling in an empty forest with no people around to hear it. Does it make a sound? Am I really asking for someone to hear me or did I say anything at all?

Some days I’m plagued by the blunt truth and the nature of a harsh reality. Life isn’t always easy and things don’t just fall into place. I have never given much thought to how hard I have to work to achieve things. I’ve always just done them and then admired my accomplishments later with a brief smile before moving on to the next thing. But the truth is, I work hard. I work REALLY hard.

Life is different for everyone and the experiences we have while we’re young can teach us to appreciate everything we have along the way. I am far beyond appreciation. My parents are wonderful, hardworking, and loving people who have never strived for anything less than true happiness for their children, often working up to 3 jobs to give us the things we not only need, but also the things that we want.

To the outside world, a struggling family is often looked down upon and judged, but the truth is, everyone struggles at some point in their life and it doesn’t really matter when or why it happens. For me, a struggle is a minor setback into my grander plan. I am like a loaded gun, after each bullet is shot another one is quickly loaded and I move on. I am not one for tears or major freak-out moments, I just keep moving because I know that God is in control and eventually things will work out.

College has been a life changing experience, but not for the same reasons it is for other people. The more days I spend in school, the more years I age. I’m already feeling like I am 30 years old. It never ends; I just keep continually getting older. Soon, I’ll be ready for retirement, but I’ll settle for graduation.

In my past 2 years at SIU, I have struggled to make new friends, had trouble buying groceries, went nearly a week with my gas light on empty, worked 43 hours a week while taking 16 credit hours of courses, struggled to find time to study, got C’s in a few classes, couldn’t find a new place for me and my roommate, struggled to find a place to live on my own, and now I cannot afford to apply to Grad School or take the GRE. I have never stopped trying. I worked 3 jobs last semester to stay afloat and I am down to 1 this semester, barely hanging on. I have applied to nearly 20 different places in town for a second job and didn’t get a single one….

Yes, college has been a life changing experience. Although I have had many falls, I have also had many triumphs. I have met so many wonderful people working at the Child Development Lab and so many beautiful and happy children. If it wasn’t for CDL, I don’t know that I would have been able to hang on as long as I did. Those kids were my saving grace. When everything else seemed to fall apart I knew I could go to work and the smiles from a 2 year old would make it all disappear. Not only have I triumphed at work, but I have babysat some amazing children as well. Annika and Kolby were practically my own children for a year. I took them everywhere and grew so attached. I have pictures of them all over my house and artwork all over my fridge. How could I have survived without Annika calling me early in the morning to come over and babysit early? How could I have made it without Kolby running head first toward me when I came to pick him up from Daycare? I also babysat Daniel and Julian, without whom I’d be lost. Julian and I have spent the past 2 summers together while CDL was closed and I have never met such a sweet and intelligent 4 year old. This is the boy that would see me at CDL and demand his father to have me come over soon. He is also the one that always wanted me to stay for dinner after I babysat. He melts my heart all the time with just a simple smile.

While my future seems to be crashing and burning every few minutes, I at least have a lot of wonderful things to look back on. As a college student, I rarely went out and when I did I was usually toting someone below 4 feet tall. I didn’t live in a college neighborhood and I never had people over. I also never dated, for the lack of time and energy to put into it. But regardless of all of those things, I have worked with and gotten to know some amazing people whom I’ll cherish forever, and I will never forget the children who have ruled my life these past few years. I still have my friends and my old roommate and an amazing family, and I will always have my dream, regardless of what comes of it. Where my future stands now, I do not know, but I know that God has a plan and a defeatist attitude will only slow me down. So the goal now is to keep smiling because I know my toddlers always will. =)