just alyssa

Through the years I’ve started to hone in on who I am and what I hope to stand for or to be, and unfortunately all that self-discovery has made me realize that I’ve never been enough for anyone else. Now before you freak out and think I’m pouring into a sad sob story in hopes to gain pity, just listen because that’s not what this is about. This is all the reasons why I wasn’t meant to fall in love at 22, or 20 or 19 or 16 or any other age a significant boy came along.  I have spent years analyzing old relationships, crushes, and significant moments with the opposite sex and it has all lead me to the realization that not only was I not meant for those guys in particular, but that I wasn’t ready in general. In high school I never really saw the point of dating. Sure, it was fun to have a date to the prom and someone to hang out with on a Friday night, but that’s what friends were for, right? I didn’t really believe in the high school sweetheart dream because I knew that ...

I watched you as we left court, and as your tears continually fell, another piece of me shattered. Although this is the outcome I wanted; this is what I came in and fought for, it’s still a loss. I still have to be the one that goes to your children and explain to them that they won’t see you anymore. I have to watch your child scream and cry and feel the confusion of no longer having a “mother”. I have to spend months watching them unravel, missing you, asking their caregiver questions that they may not have the answers to. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the days when I didn’t fight for you. I’m sorry for the times when I was too tired to call you back. I’m sorry for the weeks when I was too stressed to explain things to you. I’m sorry that I ever made you think I didn’t care. I’m sorry when I grew impatient with you and cut you off while you spoke. I’m sorry for the days when the overwhelming-ness of my job made me difficult to talk to. I’m sorry for the times when...

I see you. You’re standing there at the grocery store fumbling with items in your cart, trying to figure out which ones you’ll actually eat this week. I see you at the mall trying to fix emotions with shoes and handbags. I see you at the gym pounding the treadmill like it gives you oxygen. I recognize you by that vacant look in your eye, the pool of heartache that keeps the tears barely at bay. I see you. Every day you’re walking around with an emptiness that can’t be fixed with morning coffee, exercise, or even the best pasta at Fazolis. And you’re trying. You’re trying to remember what got you here and forget the one who broke you. But even during the months where you forget to pay the water bill, you still remember to check their horoscope.  You still have mornings expecting to roll over to them in your bed. You have days where you regret having fallen in love at all, realizing now why they call it “falling”. Somewhere along the way you lost you...

Going through a breakup can be extremely difficult. It’s as if you lost a limb. You have to constantly change your routine, giving up the constant communication of texting, calling, snapchatting, or instant messaging your significant other. And every day you feel different, like you’re slowly losing yourself more and more. You constantly think back on happier times and the memories that will now haunt you, and you physically hurt. You feel the pain deep in your bones. And you can’t face that loss alone. You need someone to be there while you cry and drink and cry some more, and although it can be super irritating to listen to someone go on and on about the same thing for months, your best friend is there to see you through it. What I’ve learned through my own break ups and losses of all those potential loves and almosts, is that only you truly know what’s best for you. Your friends can give you advice and pick you up when you’ve fallen too hard, but the only one who know...