just alyssa

It started with a blue flower bikini. Patches of material too thin to cover the curves I now had to offer; strings that dug into my skin a little too tight.  I hated it.  I hated that I now had to like bikinis.  It was no longer acceptable to wear frills or one pieces.  I hated that I had to accept that I had developed breasts and, according to all my classmates, that meant they were to be on display.  I was now to be on display.  I used to panic at gymnastics when I forgot to bring my shorts to wear over my leotard and here I was standing in a bathing suit that revealed more than my underwear.  Soon my mother walked by as I grumpily gazed at myself in the mirror and said the first words to ever haunt me, “you’re not fat”. What is a woman? Is it a she, a her, a gender, a race, maybe some alien being we have not figured out yet?  Is she a body or just a persona?  Perhaps she is a threat; a weapon used for mass destruction of mascul...

Heartache, heartbreak, it doesn’t matter what word you give it. It. Sucks.   This is a topic I genuinely hate to tackle, yet it is the one thing constantly in my face. I’m the friend that answers the phone at 3am to a sobbing voice, and the girl who joins them out for drinks to get over another dating blunder. I am often trusted to have the words of wisdom someone will need to get over the inevitable shattering heart that lies just within their chest. And I won’t say that I am right or that it ever works, but I will say what I know… The world is a hurtful place and we are all human. We make mistakes and we drag people through the mud day in and day out, hoping to fulfill our own selfish needs. It’s hard to see beyond the walls of our own mind and at the end of the day we have to make decisions that are in our best interest, and sometimes those decisions hurt other people. Actually, a good portion of the time they might hurt other people. Dating is one of the most excit...

Somewhere at the point of being in our twenties, most of our friends have graduated college and moved on to the next phase in their life. After months and months of wedding invitations and shopping for wedding gifts, phase 2 quickly interjects itself as invitations to baby showers and birthday parties quickly replace those old invites mantled up on your refrigerator. This seems like the natural sequence of things and is perfectly acceptable for this age.   We graduate high school, go to college, get a job, and the rest just falls into place.   It’s traditional and natural and is a major custom. First, let me just say that my friends have some of the CUTEST kids you have ever seen in your life (and no, I’m not even being biased….okay maybe a little).   I am so excited to help my friends celebrate this joyous part of their lives. Having said that, I have absolutely no freaking clue what your life is like! I’m trying to hang in there. I am. BELIEVE ME! I’ve baby...

Sometimes I crave noodles, like legit- I just make plain noodles and eat them. I also have this habit of buying 8 different kinds of juice so that I have plenty of options in the refrigerator. And my dog is this major skeptic. Anytime I give him his flea medication, I have to first eat peanut butter off a spoon, then hide his pill in a second spoonful, to prove that both the spoon and the peanut butter are okay. I have this irrational fear of touching bloody meat, yet I’d make the worst vegetarian. And sometimes I cry when I’m driving and miss my turn off, simply because I hate having to retrace my steps. What do all of these things have in common? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!! That’s how I feel life goes. More importantly, that’s how I feel relationships go! Nothing relates to anything! We have literally NO clue what we’re doing. We just have stacks and stacks of random facts about one another that don’t mean anything. And somehow we try to derive meaning from everything someone ...

Okay ladies, here it is. DATING. IS. HARD. It’s hard. I’m pretty sure that skydiving without a parachute, and learning to fly on your own and surviving the fall, would actually be easier. Okay- slight exaggeration, maybe not. But the concept is there. Dating is hard, and it sucks. And NO, this article is not for you ladies who met the perfect guy in high school or are already married or are with your college sweetheart, or have been with the same guy for forever. This is NOT relationship advice or a guide to keeping your man happy. (By the way, can I just go ahead and throw out there how stupid that is?? Needing advice to make HIM happy? Be yourself….okay sorry..I’ll stop ranting.) No, this is not for you. This is for us unfortunate characters who have not yet found our [soul] mate. This is for the girls that have to go on countless dates with strangers, hoping one of them will be our match. This is for the women who watch the clock tick away our precious child-baring ye...

I am a collector. While some people collect knick knacks and model car hobbies, I collect the intangible things. I collect people and the moments they leave me with. I collect beautiful memories along with the scars they leave in their wake. I collect streams of tears that pool just underneath the surface, fighting to break free. I collect moments of self doubt and insecurity. And amongst all the pain, I collect the smiles other people give me, and do my best to remember to wear them. What I’ve come to realize in my mere 24 years of living, is that every day we’re becoming different people. Often times I find myself living in the shadows of what my past has given me, and forget what I was looking forward to tomorrow. Over the past year I have changed in more ways than I can count. I have collected many moments and people. Some have left a bitter taste in my mouth, while others have become my safe harbor. I do my best to live by the principle that “God has a plan”, ...