just alyssa

26 letters. The alphabet has 26 letters, 5 vowels.....26 syllables, and there still isn't enough variation to form into words a true feeling. Each word I begin to draw out and plaster on paper to describe a moment, is rivaled with another emotion, challenging its definition, knowing it will never fit. I never fit. Out of all of the emotions and all the words in the world, nothing comes close to explaining me. And that is my life. I'm simply, unexplainable. Self discovery is a pretty long process, and often pretty intense. You don't really know what you're going to find, or even what you're hoping to find. People come in and out of your life, nudging you in different directions,  as you try so desperately to figure out what box you're supposed to fit in. But you never do. You never find that box. And sometimes I'm glad. Sometimes I'm happy I don't fit every label, or can't be thrown into a box with other words, ...

Each morning when I wake up, there are a few seconds where I don't recognize where I am. I start to flutter my eyelids, absorbing my surroundings, and for a moment, I wonder where I am. I wonder about this room, this house, this town, this state, and the world I am in. I think about who I am and what I'm doing. In those moments, before I completely grasp my purpose, I'm hopeful for what I could be. I start to think about the dreams I have for myself and all the people that have touched my life. And I feel completely relaxed, knowing there are always endless possibilities for how my life could go. Sadly, after those few seconds, the turmoil of my messy life comes back to me and I remember the reality I live in. A place where every dream takes money, and earning that is hard. A place where not everyone believes in me or has faith in my abilities. A place where equality is only truly driven by the few, while the many accept society for what it is. A place where datin...

Spending time with kids is always adventurous.  As a nanny and an unofficial aunt to my best friend's children, I find that there is a never-ending supply of laughter and ridiculous stories to repeat over and over. If the stories of children aren't epic enough, add to that the difference of boys and girls, and you'll have a free flow of tears from the epicness that you confront. Having said that, I will share with you one of my most recent adventures with my friend's four year old son, Shaun. A few things about Shaun, he is very much his own breed. He's bull-headed, a little bit obnoxious, very masculine, and just---a WHOLE LOT OF BOY. If you're a parent to a boy, that statement means everything. If you're not, you'll soon discover what that means by the end of this blog. To begin our adventure, Shaun is fully potty trained. While he knows how to potty on his own, he will not do so without company. I was at my friend's house when Sha...

Being a feminist is one of the most challenging and rewarding things I have going in my life. I remember being in high school and slowly starting to put together my ideas of independence and refusing to date, literally just to make a statement. I wanted to be seen as a strong individual who didn't follow social norms and date, just to date. Because, in my mind, dating was reserved for when you really knew what you wanted. And for me, I wanted to explore the world, and I just didn't see a guy worth the trouble when I was 16. As I've gotten older, I've struggled with my thoughts on feminism, mixed with my love for a good romance. That's the hard part about being a female AND being a feminist. It's like we're hot-wired to love certain things. I love flowers, cheesy romance music, love letters, holding hands, etc. I love the beautiful idea of a good love story and being courted. I love the excitement of meeting a new guy and waiting by...

The world is made up of shapes. Early on, we look at circles and triangles and squares, and as we get older the shapes become more complex, like hexagons,  octagons, or trapezoids. The world becomes bigger, less recognizable, and everything starts to take a different shape. We take a different shape. I remember when I first started to "take shape" when I was in grade school. Suddenly bras were necessary, and I was no longer this flat figure. I developed curvature to the rectangular figure I'd always been, and I started to become more complex. Since then, I've continued to grow and change into different shapes, adding curves in different areas, losing some in others. I've gained weight and lost weight and gained it back. I've gained muscle mass and have become weaker in other areas. I just keep changing. Everyday. All the time. Recently, I was told by two individuals (both of the male persuasion, but surely that's coincidence....), that I was a "...

Every day I go to work, I am reminded that I am not a mother. I spend countless hours listening to the phrase "Do you have children?" and am immediately struck down when that answer is "no". It's often followed with an "Are you married?" or "Do you have a boyfriend?". It's like somehow knowing I am a human being capable of loving another person, makes it easier to do my job- like I'd be better at it. But you know what?  It doesn't . It doesn't make me better. Loving someone else. Getting married. Having children. It does not make me a better person. It doesn't fulfill my life. It doesn't give me some better insight in how to do my job. I know- you'd like to disagree.  You'd like to tell me that I'm wrong and try to play devil's advocate. But here's why I'm right. Children are human beings, just like you and me. They are people- just smaller. They have needs and desires. They want love a...

There will be a day... When it no longer hurts. When it stops being painful to breathe. You will wake up and be grateful that your heart has known pain, and appreciate the love it has allowed you to give so freely. You will stop analyzing all the spoken words, and bring silence to all the unspoken thoughts, and simply be you . You will stop punishing yourself for the mistakes you have made, and accept the lessons everything has given you. You will not hurt, but you will be thankful that you have come to know your own strength. You will not be sad. You will accept that you have always done your best, and now that you know better, you can do better. You will stop casting out judgement on others, and stop fearing the judgments that may be placed upon you. You will learn to embrace the “crazy”. You will learn to quiet your own nerves. You will stop needing an answer for everything, and learn to appreciate the power of a good silence. You will le...