just alyssa

Being a feminist is one of the most challenging and rewarding things I have going in my life. I remember being in high school and slowly starting to put together my ideas of independence and refusing to date, literally just to make a statement. I wanted to be seen as a strong individual who didn't follow social norms and date, just to date. Because, in my mind, dating was reserved for when you really knew what you wanted. And for me, I wanted to explore the world, and I just didn't see a guy worth the trouble when I was 16. As I've gotten older, I've struggled with my thoughts on feminism, mixed with my love for a good romance. That's the hard part about being a female AND being a feminist. It's like we're hot-wired to love certain things. I love flowers, cheesy romance music, love letters, holding hands, etc. I love the beautiful idea of a good love story and being courted. I love the excitement of meeting a new guy and waiting by...

The world is made up of shapes. Early on, we look at circles and triangles and squares, and as we get older the shapes become more complex, like hexagons,  octagons, or trapezoids. The world becomes bigger, less recognizable, and everything starts to take a different shape. We take a different shape. I remember when I first started to "take shape" when I was in grade school. Suddenly bras were necessary, and I was no longer this flat figure. I developed curvature to the rectangular figure I'd always been, and I started to become more complex. Since then, I've continued to grow and change into different shapes, adding curves in different areas, losing some in others. I've gained weight and lost weight and gained it back. I've gained muscle mass and have become weaker in other areas. I just keep changing. Everyday. All the time. Recently, I was told by two individuals (both of the male persuasion, but surely that's coincidence....), that I was a "...

Every day I go to work, I am reminded that I am not a mother. I spend countless hours listening to the phrase "Do you have children?" and am immediately struck down when that answer is "no". It's often followed with an "Are you married?" or "Do you have a boyfriend?". It's like somehow knowing I am a human being capable of loving another person, makes it easier to do my job- like I'd be better at it. But you know what?  It doesn't . It doesn't make me better. Loving someone else. Getting married. Having children. It does not make me a better person. It doesn't fulfill my life. It doesn't give me some better insight in how to do my job. I know- you'd like to disagree.  You'd like to tell me that I'm wrong and try to play devil's advocate. But here's why I'm right. Children are human beings, just like you and me. They are people- just smaller. They have needs and desires. They want love a...

There will be a day... When it no longer hurts. When it stops being painful to breathe. You will wake up and be grateful that your heart has known pain, and appreciate the love it has allowed you to give so freely. You will stop analyzing all the spoken words, and bring silence to all the unspoken thoughts, and simply be you . You will stop punishing yourself for the mistakes you have made, and accept the lessons everything has given you. You will not hurt, but you will be thankful that you have come to know your own strength. You will not be sad. You will accept that you have always done your best, and now that you know better, you can do better. You will stop casting out judgement on others, and stop fearing the judgments that may be placed upon you. You will learn to embrace the “crazy”. You will learn to quiet your own nerves. You will stop needing an answer for everything, and learn to appreciate the power of a good silence. You will le...

Relationships are hard. They can be exhausting and sometimes hurtful and yet they teach us everything we need to know about ourselves. We fall in and out of bad relationships clinging to the idea that without someone else's love, we are nothing. One of my favorite movie quotes is from, The Perks of Being a Wallflower. That movie is a great lesson in defining who we really are. A line that was a defining moment for me was, "We accept the love we think we deserve." I remember watching that movie for the first time and being struck so hard it was as if a lightning bolt had just cast through my living room and slammed me into my couch. We accept the love we think we deserve.... As children, our value is given to us by our parents. They teach us how to be kind and accepting and they give us our worth. But as adults, we look to society to re-affirm the things that have been taught, or to correct the things that were missed. Somehow we get to this point wh...

Well here it is. It's that time of year again, when we realize that our New Year's Resolution was, yet again, a joke and we are forced to cram our bodies into something that should be considered "under garments", to enjoy the wonderful world of water. I always hate this time of year. I hate being hot. I hate sweating. I hate my allergies. And I HATE swimming suits. How are they even considered "suits"? They barely cover ANYTHING!! Every year I try to find a new swimsuit to outdo last year's, thinking maybe this will be my year. Maybe this is the year I will look great! Maybe this year, other girls won't judge me. Maybe this year, guys won't stare at my chest. Maybe this year, I can find something more flattering. Maybe this year, my body won't suck. Maybe.... Lies. All of it. I have the unfortunate problem of being both short and busty. I am fabulously disproportionate, therefore nothing fits. At all. And I hate th...

Often times we live our lives in the grey area of black and white situations,  always afraid of making the big decisions.  I'm always waiting for someone else to guide me or tell me what to do. I wait for them to carve me a path so I know where I'm going. I remember being a kid and playing miniature golf with my dad and I always wanted him to go first so I could watch the path he took, afraid to try and do it on my own. I needed his unspoken guidance. I needed that example. Even today I wait for others' examples to take me where I want to go. Recently I had a discussion with my sister about things in my life that were frustrating me. I wanted everything to line up perfectly and I was flustered and angry and I didn't want to have to make any decisions.  Finally, she got tired of reasoning with me and screamed,  "Alyssa stop trying to learn from MY mistakes. They are MINE! You have to screw up all by yourself and learn from that. Quit trying to prot...